It's an Opportunity for ME!

[Brit45]

Was looking for the link to the Pursuit/Distancer info and started reading my own thread.

The last bomb was May 22 and in the words of Virginia Slim (Or Peggy if you watch Mad Men) you've come a LONG way baby)

I have to take a new path which is non-pursuit, no manipulation, not being selfish, not sabotaging our friendship or his new R, I want to get through a day without beating myself up over something that happened between us or mistakes I made. That's my first goal.

I've DONE that! How amazing! In the past everytime we'd have a good interaction I would overstep the line, act rash, etc. it's been a few weeks and I've achieved this goal

Can you love someone and let them make choices even when those choices hurt you? And can you do THAT while keeping enough detachment to not take it personally, not see it as a rejection, and not be a victim.

YES! for the first time when I saw something about H & GF (those pictures at the wedding) I didn't take it as a rejection of me.

And *if* we tried again I would hope that he would find the space to stand up and state what he wants because I would have stopped being selfish and demanding.

What I've learned is that in any of my R when I am selfish/demanding/controlling I take away people's ability to be themselves because I'm doing it for them.

I read back over my very first thread and I came to a little bit of a conclusion. The pattern that's been happening is that he lets me in to be his friend and I get expectations and do something to scare him. I never hear from him on weekends because he's with her. We had started to build a very nice friendship with him sending me funny texts etc. What did I do? have expectations which led to the bomb being that much harder to take and act rash. I acted rash about him taking an item from the garage and I really acted rash during the bomb.

Regardless of his choices, I'm not doing a very good job of being consistent. He keeps saying he doesn't want to lead me on. So what happens he opens himself up to being my friend and I show him that I'm still in love with him.

I'm taking that off the table which should be pretty easy considering the fact that I think he has things to work on which he isn't doing currently. It's completely out of my hands right now. And I KNOW I do that he probably thinks we just need some space after my outburst. And he's maybe wondering if he can even be friends because of my smothering.

I think this is what my dream was saying again. He did something drastic removed the hedge and put in a drain (which isn't that a symbol of a boundary and a drain/ditch is the opposite of stopping something it's starting a flow.) I over react and say you can't just DO THAT! I act rash without finding out why. I'm just angry that I didn't know and wasn't consulted and it just seems crazy/outrageous. But he made a decision I acted crazy. Then later in the dream I "tested" him. Asked him about something I already knew about that I knew he wasn't sharing with me (again the theme of me putting in situations that he's not ready for) and then he tells me he's can't tell me, he's not going to.