The Climb - Thread #6

[25yearsmlc]

Hey everyone. Pretty busy at work today but wanted to get a semi-quick summary of what happened Sunday night posted up here.

W was again sitting by herself outside on the deck, smoking and drinking wine. I went outside and told her I needed to talk to her. I told her that I am concerned about her drinking, for her, for me, and for our kids.

I then told her that it feels like she is drinking so she can "put up with being around me". She concurred.

GEE, too bad she can't possibly learn a new coping skill (other than booze) for the PAIN of being around a decent man who, by his nature, highlights HER shortcomings...good grief...

I told her that I will not live with someone that has to drink just to be around me and that I never in a million years imagined that someone would need to do so. I then used an analogy of me being someone's boss and them feeling like they had to drink so they could come to work. I think that helped her see that maybe I'm not the problem here. I dunno.

She responded with telling me she feels like I expect so much of her and that she feels judged. I told her that I think my expectations of her are next to nothing, and defintiely far less than a typical marriage. I also pointed out that I hadn't said a single thing about her in this convo, I was only telling her how I feel and what I am no longer willing to tolerate.

Then I told her I am "in the place" (using her favorite term) where I will not live like this anymore. If I am that bad of a person that she needs to be drunk and put on an act of pseudo-happiness just to be around me, I don't want to be with her. She is free to leave.

Then she tried going down the road of our past and all the horrible things I did to her. I stopped her before she got very far


BLESS YOU for doing that!^^^ It serves you and HER well! THIS IS HUGE!!


and said I have owned and fixed those things, and I can't do anything more about that than I already have.

CRUCIAL TO POINT OUT, REPEATEDLY...she does NOT get it. If you are already working on your issues and problems then they are no longer real problems...b/c they are being worked on!

Sounds simple but it's true!

If you identify a problem & are working to solve it, then move on to the NEXT issue b/c the first problem is already identified and being worked on...but some folks, well, they like staying stuck on the problem you USED to have...

Way to go Navy, way to go....

I then went back to telling her I am not willing to accept her current behavior.

Then she said she didn't know what it would "look like" if we split up and how we could make it work. I told her I hadn't really thought about it much, because I have always believed our marriage could be saved.

Ideally - you'd stress that YOU had given thought to how much BETTER life would be, without HER nasty carping and constant belittling...but hey, we aren't in an ideal world...

my point is, so, she wants YOU to show HER how to treat you? B/c she does not know how to be kind????

I'm not sure you can. But maybe??

So, how do you teach an angry "victim" wife, how to be decent to her partner and co=parent husband?

Personally, and hey, I could be way wrong,

but I think she needs a workshop or counselling that goes beyond a weekly session of how or why she got here,

and more about how her PAST affects HER & YOU today...enough already about the past!

She needs a major shift in her paradigm or she'll keep mistreating you...

and that shift won't happen without a dramatic form of intervention or a life changing event,

which is why I suggested the weekend workshop. (Check out "Essential Experience" on the east coast for a great example of DBing in real life)

Enough about what happened TO HER in the past, and time to start focussing on what SHE IS DOING NOW...


Then I speculated a bit on what it would be - we would have to have separate places to live (probably crummy apartments for awhile), she would have to get a job, and we would have to figure out some sort of custody arrangement with the kids. And I said it without fear. I acknowledged that it would be hard and painful, but that I think it would better than our current life.


it would be better!!! How can it not be?

I told her that I don't want to go down that road, but right now it is more appealing to me than continuing like this. I don't want to be a part-time dad, but I am not willing to subject myself and my kids to this life anymore.

The convo went on for awhile longer, but I stuck to my guns regarding her behavior and letting her know that I am no longer afraid of divorce.

I told her I don't need or expect a response right now, but just wanted to let her know where I am at. I ended the convo there, and went to bed.

I know this fell short of me telling her that I'm completely "done", but I think she got the message and knows that the clock's ticking...

yeah we know, maybe you coulda said this or that, and no one is perfect.

But I think you did frickn' GREAT!!!!!


((((( )))))