I'm back, on my own.

[canadianMrs.]

Today was hard. A good friends mom passed away on the weekend. Today was visitation, tomorrow funeral. My friends H is my H's best friend. This is where it got rough. H hasn't seen many of our common friends since we separated, for one he's been avoiding them and secondly he lives in another town. However tonight, it was like a reunion and watching him try to reconnect with all our friends like nothing was wrong was hurtful. I didn't stay long. It also hurt to see many of these people who have been supportive of me, also act like everything was fine with H. H and some of them went out for a drink tonight. I know funeral homes are emotional and everyone is on their best behavior, but it still stung.

Before all this happened I talked to MIL. Usually she drives me crazy and thinks H is perfect. She did say she hopes H and I get back together, and when you see us together you can tell he still has feelings for me. I told her I thought too much had happened to hope for that. She went on to say that she thinks that H needs to grow up, and that its not that he doesn't love me anymore but what I represent; responsibility. It was nice to hear that she wasn't totally brainwashed.

The third part of this, before H went to meet old friends for a drink, he came back to my house to see the kids. Of course he was late and they were almost in bed. I let him in the house to see them. Something I haven't done in months. The kids were thrilled. When he was leaving I did apologize for looking at his phone back in April (how I discovered still multiple OW). He said he wasn't looking for an apology, but I said it might be more for me to have closure on all of this. I never wanted to be that person, and I feel sick that I acted like that. He accepted my apology, thanked me for letting him in and left. No apology from him for anything he's done, not that I really thought I get one.

I could say tomorrows a new day, but it's the funeral and then H is sticking around for our kids soccer games. I'm expecting more of the same.
While I have to face tomorrow, I think this all reinforced I need to stay detached from H. He actually said to me to tonight as he left "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow" What does that mean. Of course he'll see me, but he hasn't decided if he'll interact with me?
I think the interaction on old friends put him on another ego trip. Yay.