When H got home from work, I tried to apply some communication techniques mentioned here. He asked a number of questions about the deck, but they were too specific, like, "Did they put on the shingles today?" and there wasn't a good way to turn it back to him. There were a couple miscellaneous questions that I declined answering, either claiming I didn't know, or stating that I had already answered and didn't have a better answer than the one I already gave him. I wasn't being vindictive, just very intentionally doing something different than what I normally would do.
I was able to shut down one potential conflict almost immediately. It was about the sprinkler system, ironically. Last night, I walked away from a conversation with him where he was firmly defending his position that he thought it was perfectly reasonable for him to let me manage/fix it. So tonight, as I was tweaking a few connections, he approached me and broached the topic again. I couldn't really walk away since I was elbow-deep in mud, but I basically told him that he made his position perfectly clear last night, that I didn't feel we needed to discuss it anymore, and that I'd like to move on. He walked away and went to run some errands.
It worked great for me, because after I finished my 10-minute task, I was able to visit with the neighbors for a bit, whereas normally, I would have spent the time arguing with him, ultimately walking away feeling frustrated and angry. I accept the fact that he's comfortable with his position, and I'm grateful that I have the ability to manage it myself. I'll just treat myself to a mani/pedi for the hard work I'm doing. Besides, THOSE people know how to treat me like a lady, even if I do have to pay for it.
Tonight didn't bring me closer to H, but it did make for a better night for me otherwise. Can I consider that a positive baby step?
... just very intentionally doing something different than what I normally would do.
... told him that he made his position perfectly clear last night, that I didn't feel we needed to discuss it anymore, and that I'd like to move on. He walked away and went to run some errands.
And in the end, if he's crabby with S, then set a boundary there. "H, if you are upset about something, do not take it out on S."
I have. Sometimes he listens, mostly he just runs off.
If he's crabby, he'll take it out on everyone... Well, S and me, no one else. He would never yell at the mailman or the clerk at the grocery store. Maybe that's normal. It just looks immature from an outside viewpoint. It is affecting his R with son, in a way. S has said things to him before. He's more receptive and will back off when S points it out to him than when I do. No one's life is in danger, H isn't out of control angry, just crabby. I'll do what I can for S, the rest is H's problem. I have no problem not owning that one.
