When it's a one-way street...part 6

[Crazyville]

I think you should view it as a positive that you and H share the same high level goal.

Is that an advantage? At least in your sitch, you can base your future decision on the reality that lays before, you instead of on a dangling carrot that you may or may not ever reach in an infinite timeline.

Here's how I would have handled it FWIW: I would have asked H what he thought you should do about it -- i.e. don't answer his question, turn it back to him, then just engage with him on discussing his ideas in a supportive way.

I actually learned this technique from H; he rarely ever answers a direct question. I've tried using it on him but it just pixxes him off immediately. He says that he's not creative and knows that I am and that he wouldn't have bothered to ask me if he didn't want my input. Then he rarely likes my input. It makes me feel like he just asks the question so that he can criticize my answer. I agree what you're suggesting should work though; so I'll make a mental note to apply it next time and try to remember how the convo goes for feedback. And, no, I don't feel like I MUST influence him.

Yeah, too late at that point, you'd already nuked him so his emotions were up. Game over when you get to that point.

Can I just walk away at this point? He denies his pixxy attitude, so I'm sure he'll think I'm nuts.

That probably felt like punishment to him, maybe it was. If you need space it can be helpful to tell him as much before he leaves -- "I know you want me to go but I'm not feeling good about our discussion earlier, I need some time to regroup. I'll do my best to be back in a good mood by the time you return"

I did tell him something pretty close to that. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that I wasn't there so he could feel "normal." Even my having a migraine is hardly a valid reason for him.

Some would say a lack of ego like that is a virtue. Why is it important to you that he make more money than you do? Many would say it's more important to be happy than to be rich, so if he's achieved happiness at his current income level, that's a victory.

My concern is not his ego, it's his sense of responsibility. He's not happy at HIS income level, he's happy at MY income level. Before we got married, we discussed this aspect of our R. He promised that when we had our first child together, that I could quit working and be a SAHM. Circumstances haven't prevented it, lifestyle has. He's had a number of bouts of unemployment, during which I was earning the money to pay the household bills, including his child support judgment from his first M. Didn't bother him at all, at least not enough after six months of unemployment to prevent him from buying an RV to tow his boat around. I'm going back to school because I know I NEED to have another job when my current contract is over, and if I want to be able to compete with the other people applying for the same job I might want, I need to have something to offer. I've done more than enough in my career to appease my ego; now it's about a sense of survival. The computer industry moves so fast, if you're not keeping up with technology, you're already obsolete. He does the same thing I do, and it doesn't get easier to find a job at his age.

We have talked about it in the past. I resent it, I know I do. I'm not sure I would have married him if I knew his lifestyle was going to prevent my plans for being a SAHM. Regardless, no response from him.

Not necessarily -- there's a difference between neglecting it because it didn't bother him and just assuming that you're going to fix it. He obviously didn't care that the sprinkler system was broken or that the yard lights weren't working, it wasn't high on his list. The fact that it's high on your list doesn't make you right. You could have told him that you noticed the sprinkler system and yard lights aren't working and that it bothers you and see what he says. If he says nothing you could ask him to fix them, or ask if he will help you fix them. If you decide instead to just do it yourself, then you own that decision. You're asking him to mindread here that these things are important to you and expected of him.

The sprinkler system hasn't been working for 3 years, at least (meaning some of the heads are frozen and don't rotate.) H would tell me he was going to turn the sprinklers on, I would point out that there were bad heads all over the place. He would turn it on anyway and walk away. H was involved in the decision to put it in, he still uses it albeit broken, he sometimes schedules the turn-up or shut-down, so to me he seems interested in having/using it, but not being responsible for maintaining it. It reminds me of his oldest daughter that asked us once when she was a teenager if she could use our car instead of hers, because she didn't like to have to pay for gas.

The part that disturbs me is that I did get offered assistance from a neighbor and from the contractor. I didn't have to ask them. They seem to have the concept of chivalry, my H I have to ask. I own that need of mine. I don't know what to do about that. I want my H to treat me like a lady (to open the door for me without my having to ask him to open the door for me, for example.)

But you are absolutely right -- I own it. I feel responsible for having my things maintained. I'll at least get in and see if I can figure it out. If I can't do it myself, I'll hire someone. (Last time I hired a handyman to do a few things, H was mad.) I wish I had a partner. With H, I feel like I'm dealing with the responsibilities of life all alone, or working with a child that I have to ask/tell every little thing, which simply doesn't meet my definition of a partner. I'll own that it's my definition.

Whose project is this, his or yours? Whose idea was it, who selected the builders, and who has been "handling" the project? You, him, or both of you together?

The deck was rotting and needed to be taken down. I found a deck style that I liked and showed H and we agreed. We both pursued quotes from builders and agreed on the one we have. That was about the last that H had to do with it. It is not his thing either. I've asked him for specific assistance and he doesn't deliver. I've been handling it pretty much ever since we hired the builder. Again, I wish I didn't feel like I was alone with the responsibility, especially since I have no skill in the area to fall back on.

I don't think you need to solve everything all at once. Pick one element of your interactions and focus on marginal improvement in that area alone, and then build from there.

What one element should I start with? It all seems so overwhelming. I'm not sure I have the stamina. I'm not sure it will be worth it when I arrive, with everything I need to compromise to call it successful.

I'm whining. Feel free to ignore. I just needed a 15-second pity-party. But I'm over it, so now what?