The Climb - Thread #6

[Navyguy]

Hey everyone. Pretty busy at work today but wanted to get a semi-quick summary of what happened Sunday night posted up here.

W was again sitting by herself outside on the deck, smoking and drinking wine. I went outside and told her I needed to talk to her. I told her that I am concerned about her drinking, for her, for me, and for our kids.

I then told her that it feels like she is drinking so she can "put up with being around me". She concurred.

I told her that I will not live with someone that has to drink just to be around me and that I never in a million years imagined that someone would need to do so. I then used an analogy of me being someone's boss and them feeling like they had to drink so they could come to work. I think that helped her see that maybe I'm not the problem here. I dunno.

She responded with telling me she feels like I expect so much of her and that she feels judged. I told her that I think my expectations of her are next to nothing, and defintiely far less than a typical marriage. I also pointed out that I hadn't said a single thing about her in this convo, I was only telling her how I feel and what I am no longer willing to tolerate.

Then I told her I am "in the place" (using her favorite term) where I will not live like this anymore. If I am that bad of a person that she needs to be drunk and put on an act of pseudo-happiness just to be around me, I don't want to be with her. She is free to leave.

Then she tried going down the road of our past and all the horrible things I did to her. I stopped her before she got very far and said I have owned and fixed those things, and I can't do anything more about that than I already have. I then went back to telling her I am not willing to accept her current behavior.

Then she said she didn't know what it would "look like" if we split up and how we could make it work. I told her I hadn't really thought about it much, because I have always believed our marriage could be saved.

Then I speculated a bit on what it would be - we would have to have separate places to live (probably crummy apartments for awhile), she would have to get a job, and we would have to figure out some sort of custody arrangement with the kids. And I said it without fear. I acknowledged that it would be hard and painful, but that I think it would better than our current life.

I told her that I don't want to go down that road, but right now it is more appealing to me than continuing like this. I don't want to be a part-time dad, but I am not willing to subject myself and my kids to this life anymore.

The convo went on for awhile longer, but I stuck to my guns regarding her behavior and letting her know that I am no longer afraid of divorce.

I told her I don't need or expect a response right now, but just wanted to let her know where I am at. I ended the convo there, and went to bed.

I know this fell short of me telling her that I'm completely "done", but I think she got the message and knows that the clock's ticking...