I cried myself to sleep last night after my H and I exchanged a few emails. He is such a jerk. To think that I have spent the last 23 years standing by his side only to end up feeling so bad about us and all of the wasted time. I just want to forget how I spent the last sixth months, right up to yesterday, trying to understand him and his choices, remaining compassionate even though the boys and I were being hurt. I wish I did not have to take one penny from him and could cut all ties. The reason he is fragile at times is due to his own pathetic self. He has done everything he can think of to burn his bridges with me. Well, I think he may have finally succeeded. I don't want to spend one more day caring about him. That's going to be hard for me since that's my nature, but enough is enough. God help him when all he has in life is his precious money and the memories of how he treated his loving wife and kids. I'm done!
golf mom, You are going to need to develop a tougher skin to deal w/him. Why are you feeling bad about the relationship? YOu have done nothing wrong. He is saying and doing things that are called "lashing out" because he's trying to destroy everything that was ever good in his life. Why? Because he is in crisis and he thinks that the root cause of his unhappiness is the relationship, family and his responsibilities pre-crisis. Trust me, if your h wasn't in crisis, he would still be the man that you have loved for all of those years.
You are no where done w/him...you love him and that's why you need to step back and allow him to swing in the wind. You can still care about him, but from afar. Your focus now should be directed on to you and your life. Now go NC and only contact him if it is an emergency.
Don't beat yourself up over last nights exchanges. We all have done it and we all have touched the hot stove and learned what to do and not do. You will learn as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thank you so much for constantly reminding me of that. At times I'm still too weak and I believe it when he tells me that this is all my fault. If I had worked he wouldn't have left. That hurts my soul. To think that my kids don't have a dad because of me. I know he believes that. He refuses to believe any other story. But, really, if that were the case then he would be fighting for at least partial custody of the boys. Sadly, he's not asking for time with the boys at all. He'll offer to do things with them, but for short amounts of time and only when it works for him. This is the part of MLC that is so painful.
I haven't posted to you before, but it is really important not to take yourself at your MLC spouse's evaluation of you. If you had worked his story would be that you put your career ahead of you family, or some such. They are in their own version of reality, and will twist and alter everything to fit this.
The MLCer has to be right. If they aren't, even in any small detail, their whole world crumbles. They might even say they aren't sure, but watch what they do. They act as if they are right. Gradually they convince themselves they are right, and the long journey away from their family is underway. Some of them wake up and realise they are making a colossal mistake, but not many.
That is why it is absolutely pointless to argue. Imho not arguing has nothing to do with DBing, which we do largely for ourselves. From the point of view of the MLCer being right about their terrible actions is all that counts. If they were normal they would talk about it, stop blaming us for everything, and show some concern for the inevitable outcome of their actions. They don't.
They need to believe that they had no choice. They had choices. No one made them do this. Please stop blaming yourself. None of us is perfect, and if your husband had wanted you to work, he needed to tell you this, and disucss it, rather than making it into a pathetic excuse for abandoning his family.
If I had worked he wouldn't have left. That hurts my soul. To think that my kids don't have a dad because of me. I know he believes that.
Don't YOU believe it for a minute....they will come up with ANYthing to justify what they are doing....seriously, my W said some WAYYYY out there things (I just shake my head and laugh about some of them...now)....our mlc'ers know us very, very well...they know where to get the most bang for their buck...
Sandi's 37 rules should have "believe none of what they say, half of what they do" as #1 on the list if dealing with mlc I think sometimes.
I am glad W doesn't appear to remember a lot of what she said to me last fall/winter, for her sake.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
A person who will have an MLC is a person that is built brick by brick to have an MLC. It's in their past, its something that is going to happen. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN no matter what.
Something happened to them and they couldn't deal with it as a child, so it went away in their head, and it comes out later.
Even if you had the BEST marriage in the world, he would still have an MLC, and whil eit is potnetially possible that having the BEST marriage in the world might make his MLC easier for him...he was still going to have it.
And since he is having an MLC until he figures out that it was built into him? That the problems are internal and buried deep?
It is easier and somewhat of a saftey valve for him to blame you for his problems. It is hard to look into the mirror and see the common denominator in a shitstorm is the guy looking back at himself. Eventually he should see it, but right now...it is easier to finger you for his problems.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'd like to piggy back something that Bea, T and Jack have posted. It wouldn't matter if your h was married to someone else, he would still have his mlc.
Please keep reminding yourself that you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. This is all about him and it's his journey into h@ll.
Your journey is to make you stronger, independent, more compassionate and wiser. You have faced your journey head on. Your h has not, but he will at some point.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is our job to look inward and to try to figure out how to be the best person we can be. And while it is important to listen to what your xh is saying, you need to whittle out what rings true and what has no merit.
Remember that he is in a life crisis so his view is skewed. You see, he knows he is hurting and cant figure out why. So, he points to the person closest to him. When that doesnt work, he will try something else. All with the hope that the pain and confusion will go away.
He needs to look inside and do the work. You need to let him.
I want to agree whole-heartedly with all that was said above. And tell you that just a few days ago I realized that part of my continued sadness is my STBXH and his blatent re-writing of history.
And it came to me that we were happy, many good things did happen, he did love me. Nothing can change that. I am keeping all that and letting the alien being go. Nothing can change what was. So right now the old him is dead to me.
Your 23 years is NOT wasted time. Cherish the memories, they are as real as the computer screen you are reading this on. Don't let this ruin any of that.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thank you all! I appreciate your posts so much. Your constant reminders of what is really going on has really helped me a great deal. Without your knowledge I would still be blaming myself. I've told my H that I will no longer apologize. I wish I had done some things differently. I regret that. I have apologized and have asked for forgiveness. I'm quite certain that I will not make the same mistakes again. I will no longer have conversations with my H about why he left. He took actions that he will have to own. His actions are forgivable, but he has to take responsibility for them and make amends. He's not doing that any time soon, if at all, and I think I'm finally ok with that.
I'm really curious about something. Last weekend my H said that when he left he decided that he was no longer going to put the boys first. That he had done that for years and he was unhappy. I was floored, but I also know that only an unwell person would say something like that. Now he denies ever saying that. He accused me of misquoting him. I told him I would not argue with him. I know what he said. He can always retract it if that's not how he feels, but he can no longer deny things and put it on me. For the first time, I was perfectly calm with him and just stated the facts. I know MLCers don't remember things when they come out of the tunnel, but is their memory sketchy from one day to the next?
I really hope there is no need to talk for awhile. I hate that there are on-going logistics to discuss. It's just too expensive to let my attorney do all of my talking.
