Thank you for all of the responses. I appreciate it.
25 - I agree with you that my negative feelings impact me. In situations like this I tend to always see the negative happening -- self defeating, I know. But it is hard to think about positive outcomes when you feel so much is negative at any given moment. I do not like that element of myself at all - and I know that it is something that I really need to try to fix.
Additionally, I see how my W could have a very alternate perception of how events are/were. I mean, I DIDN'T use her as a vessel to bare a child - but I can see how based on all that transpired she could see it that way.
So about the trip to California they took....
She texted me yesterday to let me know that they would be boarding the plane in Oakland. She never texted to let me know that they landed - and I wasn't going to text to ask. I drove over to pick up S after work and must admit that I had a fair amount of anxiety about it for some reason. I put on my best "act as if" face and knocked on the door. My son CHARGED at me exclaiming "DADDY!!!" with a big smile on his face. THAT has to be one of the best feelings ever. W was in a really good mood and we spoke briefly. She said she really loved it up in SF and had a great time. Said that mostly it was the two of them just making their way around on BART.
Son and I drove to the house and went for a swim - we had a really good time together and we both laughed a lot. I made dinner and eventually took him upstairs for reading and bedtime. As my psych told me today, my son has been my life line. She hit the nail on the head.
Techically, today is supposed to be the day that I hand S off to W and not get him back till this Friday. Since she took one of my days, I was tempted to ask her when I dropped him off if I could keep him to night - just to get a little more time in with him. I didn't want it to be an uncomfortable request, so I kind of sat on it.
So when I dropped him off with her this morning it was a decent experience. A couple of "nice" things happened. First, she asked me if I wanted to keep him tonight since she had an extra day of mine with him. I was slightly shocked. We talked a bit more and I played with S on the ground for a little bit (I am pretty tall so I held him upside down and made him pretend he was walking on the ceiling - he squealed laughing!). Then W did something unexpected....she asked about money. I guess the full amount that has been taken from my check has not gotten to her. Now, I view this as a good thing because it is the first time we have EVER talked about this matter....ever. Up to this point it has been done through or by lawyers. I guess I was happy that she felt comfortable enough to bring it up to me....though she was probably a LITTLE nervous.
Finally, on my way out of her condo S ran up to me and squeezed my leg and said "DADDY!"....made me sad I had to leave. Then, a third odd thing happened....W said to s "we'll have to get on the light rail soon and go down to Tempe to see daddy at work!". Wow....I was a little shocked that she would even consider that. All small things - but positives. I will not look at them as anything indicative of anything.....just nice things.
Full disclosure: when she asked me if I wanted him an extra night my mind quickly went to "she must have some guy coming by or want to go to some guy's house".....toxic thinking...I know...I am just being honest. Trying not to go here ^^^^^.
Anyhooo....I have more to share, but I have to bail.
Crimson
25 & LA, regarding the financial component of this - I do see your points - especially the part regarding resentment oozing into interactions with W even if I did not intend for it to. I am not making excuses, I just have a tremendous fear of failing financially and letting down myself and my son. It causes me a great deal of stress and concern. Still, I do my best to keep it from my W.
