When it's a one-way street...part 6

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CV, I loved that you posted this, I wanted to chip in my two cents if it's not too late:

This week while S was away at camp, I made a point to engage with H in a positive way. We didn't do any more walks because of his blistered toes, but we did go to dinner twice. At dinner, H didn't take any food off of my plate but made a point to mention it. I don't think he intended to be belligerent, but I still find it a bit awkward. I also suggested that he start looking forward at the calendar and plan a boating trip. I did not go overboard and over-invest.

Awesome! That's all good.

On Sunday morning, H made a comment to me that he thinks S watches too much tv and was asking me for my ideas on what to do about that. I turned and looked at him, and then looked past him at the tv that HE had on. I didn't laugh out loud but did think it was rather hypocritical of him. I didn't tell him that. Instead, I suggested that the best way to teach children is by example, that if you tell them something but then live something else, they can see right through it. H got extremely defensive about his tv watching, gave me a bunch of reasons why his programs (Glee, NCIS) are so much better than the cr@p cartoons that S watches, that he can still be productive while the tv is on, etc.

H took a risk here -- he opened himself up and came to you looking to engage and you kind of gave him a smackdown. Granted, given the situation, you could view it like no-win "does my ass look fat" type question. In situations like that, your best bet is not to give a direct answer, because doing so is just going to hurt the other person.

Here's how I would have handled it FWIW: I would have asked H what he thought you should do about it -- i.e. don't answer his question, turn it back to him, then just engage with him on discussing his ideas in a supportive way. Really, it's his problem, and you're not responsible for solving it, and he may not really want you to. Chances are he just wants to be listened to, and to feel that he engaged to work with you on something. If you view that as his real objective, then the answer to his question doesn't matter at all.

Now if you feel you MUST influence him, you can use a "Socratic Method" and lead him to the answer by asking him questions. This has to be done delicately and skillfully, as asking questions that are too leading or disrespectful defeat the purpose.

He wasn't calm when he was saying it, treating me very disrespectfully.

Yeah, too late at that point, you'd already nuked him so his emotions were up. Game over when you get to that point.

I planned on going to a potluck for boy scouts with him at noon, but I bailed because I didn't want to be around him. That made him even more angry because he wanted me there anyway.

That probably felt like punishment to him, maybe it was. If you need space it can be helpful to tell him as much before he leaves -- "I know you want me to go but I'm not feeling good about our discussion earlier, I need some time to regroup. I'll do my best to be back in a good mood by the time you return"

So, I'm looking for suggestions as to how I could have handled this differently/better, since I know I can't change him. Obviously, I could have gone to the potluck. That doesn't address the conflict in the morning which is more what I'm interested in.

Step one is that if H engages with you to help him solve a problem, see it for what it is, it's an "olive branch". Secondly realize that he's taking an chance an exposing himself to rejection and ridicule by making the overture, so appreciate the risk he's taking in an effort to connect with you. Then, try to figure out what H is really looking for here -- is he looking for a solution, is he looking to be listened to, is he looking for a discussion? What do you think he really wants? Tread carefully and try to tease this out by asking a couple questions. Try to build some rapport by probing. "Why do you feel S watches too much TV? Why does it bother you? What do you think he should be doing instead? How can we make the alternate activity more appealing?"

I also learned something about myself this weekend. I think I've touched on it before but was unable to put words to it until this weekend. I really resent that H is so comfortable with putting me in the traditional male role. Until the last 6 months, I've made considerably more money than him, and he readily admits it doesn't bother him.

Some would say a lack of ego like that is a virtue. Why is it important to you that he make more money than you do? Many would say it's more important to be happy than to be rich, so if he's achieved happiness at his current income level, that's a victory.

At the same time, I'm going back to school to be able to advance my career, and he has never done anything to improve his career.

Why does he need to improve his career? If he's happy with it, why isn't that good enough? Did he ask you to go back to school to advance your career, or was that your choice? If it was your choice, then you can't make him responsible for it. I think your resentment is justified if he pressures you to make more money but does nothing himself. If he puts no pressure on you and makes no comments about wanting you to earn more, then why does he owe you any action on his part?

I spent a good part of the week fixing the sprinkler system and rewiring the yard lights, because he "didn't know it was his responsibility so it wasn't on his radar." Well, we aren't rich and don't have a groundskeeper, which means he had to think it was on my list of responsibilities.

Not necessarily -- there's a difference between neglecting it because it didn't bother him and just assuming that you're going to fix it. He obviously didn't care that the sprinkler system was broken or that the yard lights weren't working, it wasn't high on his list. The fact that it's high on your list doesn't make you right. You could have told him that you noticed the sprinkler system and yard lights aren't working and that it bothers you and see what he says. If he says nothing you could ask him to fix them, or ask if he will help you fix them. If you decide instead to just do it yourself, then you own that decision. You're asking him to mindread here that these things are important to you and expected of him.

I also put a good amount of time into analyzing the work on the deck, making sure the builders are doing things the way we want them to. There have been several problems/mistakes that I've had to ask them to address.

Whose project is this, his or yours? Whose idea was it, who selected the builders, and who has been "handling" the project? You, him, or both of you together?

I told H a month ago that I need him to get more involved, to step up and share ownership of this deck project, that I need help, that this isn't my thing (I do computers, not decks.)

Is it his thing? Does he have expertise in this area that make him more qualified? When you told him he needed to be more involved, what did he say? Did you define what "more involved" means to you? In a situation like this, you may need to get more specific, and tell him exactly what you need him to do to be more involved -- i.e. "I'd like you to walk the deck every night and look over what the workers did that day. If you see anything that looks wrong, let me know and we can look at it together." That type of thing -- specific statements of your expectations that can be measured as "he did it" or "he didn't". Getting more involved is too vague.

Now you may think that's ridiculous and exhausting to have to manage him that way, and you're right. The problem is, though, that your partnership is broken and you're not working well as a team. Therefore, you need to go through a transition period to get the train back on the tracks, and that takes "over the top" effort in many regards. Once you get there, however, he'll better understand what "get more involved" means and you won't have to be as specific, but for now you do.

I mentioned it again Sunday afternoon, so H steps out on the deck, says he doesn't see anything wrong. I tell him there are at least a half dozen issues. I show him one thing, he starts telling me that I'm just a perfectionist. The thing I showed him was a spot in the deck where the boards dip and make a trough because the cross-supports are set down 1/4". After H takes a few seconds to look at it, he decides it really is wrong. So he goes from accusing me of being a perfectionist to the builders aren't meeting the minimal requirements of level and square. He's not helping in the process AND beating me up for what I'm contributing. It seems to be a lose-lose for me.

You can call him on that, tell him that's not helping, and is making you feel badly, but then follow up by telling him what you need (i.e. change the subject back to something productive)


CV, overall I think these overtures on behalf of H and willingness to enlist your opinions are very positive things. When I really thought you didn't love him, I felt very differently about your sitch, but now that I know you really would like this to work out, I'm very hopeful for you. I don't think you need to solve everything all at once. Pick one element of your interactions and focus on marginal improvement in that area alone, and then build from there.

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