Mostly, right now, I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I do feel as if my husband has put in a lot of effort the last year or maybe more of our relationship, and I do feel like I took him for granted a lot of the time. On the one hand, I wish I had taken him more seriously when he discussed things with me, but on the other hand, I wish he had really been more forthcoming and had expressed how he was feeling leading up to this so it wouldn't have been such a surprise for me. We both made mistakes, I'm sure, but overall, he was always able to see the big picture and realize that things weren't as serious as I took them to be. He said sorry even when he didn't need to say sorry just to preserve my feelings. Meanwhile, I instead wanted to make him feel badly for making mistakes and withheld affection and saying that I loved him, even when he said it. I tested him and played games with him. And it didn't make either of us feel particularly good. Looking back, I think this is stuff my parents used to do to me, and I don't know why I didn't consider how it used to make me feel. Even though it made me feel horrible, I still did it to the one person who I loved (and still love) more than anything. How could I not be mature enough to realize this until now? I think the damage is already done and I think any changes at this point forward are simply too little, too late. He loved me unconditionally, and I didn't express this sentiment back.
I have ruined this, and I don't believe there is any way to go back to how it was beforehand. I ruined Richard and I ruined our chance at ever being happy together. I pushed away the person who cared so much for me and made him unsure of what he even wants or values in life. How can I live with this forever?
