Crimson....just checkin' in.

[labug]

Hey LA - thanks for dropping in. Haven't heard from you in awhile - and I hope you are doing well!

Thanks Crimson, I'm learning and growing everyday. No closer to R as far as I can tell but it doesn't matter as much anymore because I've learned that my happiness doesn't need to be tied to other people.

With regard to $$$, I have never breathed a word about it to her at all in this process. Not even a vailed reference - I have literally been emotionless about money with her. Truth be told, SHE has said more about it than I have (though very little as well). I really take steps to keep my financial fears away from her because she thinks that's all I care about. If there is ONE thing that I haven't blown thus far - it's that. That said, I do get fearful about my future and my finances from time to time - not gonna lie. And yes, at times I DO get angry or resentful - but I keep it to myself and move on.

I'm sure you haven't mentioned it to her but you've brought up the unfairness of it in many posts here and you admit you resent it. It will seep out in subtle ways which you yourself may not even recognize. Been there done that, my friend.

And here's something I've learned the hard way, unless anger and resentment are dealt with, there is no moving on. It comes out, as my T says, sideways. We don't send a direct hit but we get our point across.

Re: codependence, I have never really thought about it from that angle. I don't FEEL as though I am - but maybe I don't even understand what it means. I think I have heaved so many "dysfunctional" mantles upon myself over the last several months I don't know if I have room for another!

Whether you heave the mantle on yourself or not, if it's there, it's there. I didn't believe it myself until I read more about it and saw my patterns of always needing validation, feeling my happiness depended on others, resentment when people didn't realize how much I helped them (tongue in cheek), fixing, controlling (or wanting to control), being hyperresponsible, judging myself, judging others.

You wrote this is an earlier post: This weekend I felt kind of paralyzed with sadness/depression. Probably because w was gone on vacation with S and I missed him - and if I am being honest, her as well. She periodically sent me a few pictures and it was good to see them - but at the same time looking at my S standing in front of the ocean in the Bay made me sad that I couldn't be there as well. I know my w didn't mean it as a taunt - but I felt that way at times. I was sad because it was something that would have been a great "family" thing to do and I felt the sense of loss. This weekend I found if hard to really enjoy much of anything.....it is difficult for me to detach right now. I am not reaching out to her at all, but I think about her and my son a lot. I hate to feel as if I am missing out on things in his life.
I know this is tough. When my adult sons were not with me at Thanksgiving last year it was very painful. But they wanted to be with family, they chose, I was happy for them and planned other things for me. Your son will always be doing things that you aren't involved in. That's healthy. Some sadness over him being away would be expected. You being overcome by sadness and depression about it is not healthy, especially since he's gone from you half the time.

And the most important thing, being dependent on your son for your happiness is not good for him. He needs you to have a happy life away from him. He can't and shouldn't be expected to provide that for you.

Crimson, we've been around here a long time now. I remember the trouble you were having with understanding and moving toward detachment.

I think you'll get there.