**Venting** (And better here than shooting off an email to the W)
good job!
Quote:
Could I ever take back a woman that has done this to our family? Do I want a W that can so easily abandoned her only child to be with a man that she has known for such short amount of time? I don't know, maybe I really need to get IC.
even those of us (like myself) who didn't have indfelidity during the M have these thoughts. We all wonder if they came back today do we even want them back? Who's to say it wouldn't work?
Only you can answer those questions like you said.
This is why Cadet says Gift of Time. It's all very confusing you love someone who hurt you. You want your family unit back but at what cost. Take this time to just concentrate on you. You don't have to worry if you would trust her in the future, because that option isn't really on the table right now. You can work on forgiving her, not because she "deserves it" but because you don't want to be someone who carries around anger and resentment. If you're a Christian think do we really deserve forgiveness for the things we do or does God give it willingly? If you're not, think about when you were a little kid. Your parents didn't sit around deciding whether or not to forgive you for things you did. They knew you didn't know better.
For better or worse she will always be you D's mom. So maybe you can find a way to forgive her based on that. Just work on you, healing the hurt from being betrayed, the pain at your M ending, concentrate on getting a handle on all the changes like you said you're suddenly a single parent. Just work on that.
And give yourself a break. I felt bad because I wasn't back on my feet feeling amazing within a month or something. But give yourself time. You will find that there is so much to do with you that you don't even need to worry about her...not yet!
I know those are the things I need to do, and one day I might get there. I think yesterday was a turning point for me. Before I was worry about what I did because I was concern how she would take it and did not what to get her upset. Then like a bolt, I thought, worry about upsetting her, what the ****, she is cheating on me!! clearly she is not worried about my feelings. So at this point I'm ready to let it be and just work on me. The only sticking point is my concern with my Ds feelings.
For example W sent me the txt about taking D out today or tmw. I have no interest in going, but should I take away an opportunity to have D see her mother?
So my choices are:
1. Tell W we can't go 2. Go and take it as a opportunity to work on my as if 3. Let her take D and I stay behind
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
I think yesterday was a turning point for me. Before I was worry about what I did because I was concern how she would take it and did not what to get her upset. Then like a bolt, I thought, worry about upsetting her, what the ****,
YAY good for you!!!!! It is a turning point!
Aside from her cheating you though you have to make decisions based on how YOU feel not on how she'll feel about the decision. That will come will come with detachment. Has anyone suggested CoDependancy no more. It was a real eye opener about my thought patterns.
Unless you have reason to believe that D would be in danger, then yes, let her go with W.
I think yesterday was a turning point for me. Before I was worry about what I did because I was concern how she would take it and did not what to get her upset. Then like a bolt, I thought, worry about upsetting her, what the ****,
YAY good for you!!!!! It is a turning point!
Aside from her cheating you though you have to make decisions based on how YOU feel not on how she'll feel about the decision. That will come will come with detachment. Has anyone suggested CoDependancy no more. It was a real eye opener about my thought patterns.
Unless you have reason to believe that D would be in danger, then yes, let her go with W.
Have you two set up a schedule?
No we have not setup a schedule, I think we need to do that now.
As far as my feelings, right now I'm leaning towards just moving on with my life, that might change in the future but right now, I just don't see wanting her to be in my life as a partner.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
So today was a good day. Only sent the W one txt and it was to tell her that I would not be able to go to dinner, but that should not stop her and D from going, asked her to let me know what time she would be here and I'll make sure that D was ready. She txt back, OK be there around 6:30. When she got here, I was outside taking the trash to the curb, I was ready just to say hi and walk back into the house but she walked up to me and gave me a big hug, I just said hi and that D was ready. They got in the car and left for dinner. About two hours later, they come home, I'm doing some work on the computer D runs unto to me and gives me a hug, W says hi I say hey. On her own she walks to the laundry room and starts emptying the cat's litter box,
I tell her that she did not need to do it that I would take care of it, she says it's OK, I'll do it, I thank her and walk away. After she is done she joins me in the living room and starts a little chit chat, I listen, don't say much just nod my head and ask a question here and there. Then I say, I'm thinking of driving D to NYC at the end of the summer to visit family, she says oh, that would be nice. I ask her are you talking anytime off this summer? she says I think so, I reply with what are you going to do? She says not sure, and I just end it with OK. She had the look of she thought I was going to ask her to come with us, in my mind I think,sorry this is a family trip and at the moment you are not part of it.
Some more idle chit chat, I get up start cleaning up a little (the universal sign to a guest that it's time to go). She well I guess I should be going, I say Ok, but before she leaves she says I would like to take D out tmw night, do you think you could go? I tell her not sure got to see how much work I finish off tonight, she says OK bye, I say the same while sitting on the sofa and she lets herself out.
Now before yesterday, I would have been so excited thinking she's coming around!! this is almost over!!! but not today. I see thru it now, she is always extra nice when she comes over, but always goes back to the OM and then ignores me for the rest of the week as I think that this is a glimmer and I start reaching out with txt that she never answers. Not gonna happen now.
No more texting or calling from my end, if she does reach out tmw to see if I would go out, I will wait to end of day before replying that I can't go, but if she follows her old MO, I'm sure I won't her from her till next week and I'm find with that!
Feels good not to be on pins and needles thinking and over thinking how the night went and if I made any inroads on the R (notice I did not mention the R the whole night).
Baby steps.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
So I woke up this morning and go to D's bedroom to wake her for daycare and who do I see in the hall... the W! Seems she left herself into the house after D and I went to sleep. I ask her what are you doing here? She said she wanted to be here when D woke up, in shock I just walk away and start getting D ready to go. While I'm doing this, W goes and takes a shower, when she comes out I ask do you want to discuss us? (I know bad move bringing up the R, but I think it had to be asked). She shakes her head no, I start think, this is not good, was about to tell her, I understand your feelings not wanting to discuss our issues, but I think it would be best that you do not stay in the house while you are with OM, just as I was about to begin, D walks into the bedroom, so I stay quiet.
By now it's time to leave, so I ask the W if she will be here tonight, she said she was not sure. So I say bye and so does she and me and D leave.
All day at work of course I think about what happen, I think the moment I get home and if the W is there, I will tell her what I was going to say in the morning, I can't lie, I had doubts if I should say something, was this sign that she was coming around? But by the time I left the office I decided I had to tell her she could not stay in the house. When I get home I noticed that she left her bag and some stuff on the bathroom sink so I took that to mean she would be back.
So here it is 10:20 at night and the W has not come back or got in contact with me.
It does not bother me that she is not here, but I was looking forward to setting up the boundary on how she would respect our home.
So it goes.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Why the hesitation? If W is seeing OM and you are not ok with that behavior, and she has been living outside the home, it seems perfectly logical to me for you to enforce the boundary by having her stay away.
So again, why the hesitation?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thank you very much for your input on my thread. Your points seem right on. It's amazing how you point out the obvious points but sometimes I get so caught up in things it's nice to hear someone mention the black and white. I am not very good at using this site yet so if you reply, please do so on my thread if you dont mind. Thanks again!
So to follow up on my venting from a couple of days ago.
I think I'm at the point that I accept we will not be together. In the last two months I said I was sorry for the things I did wrong in our M and she has not accepted any of the issues that she caused. Not only that, but she continues to try and blame me for her A, and I'm done listening to it. I know that the things I did like, not give her more of my time, or show her how much I loved her where wrong, but none of those gave her the right to have an A. If she felt that I did not give her what she needed and that I was a bad H, then she should had just told me she wanted a D, then we could have decided to either work on it with MC or just said OK to the D. The A is just a complete break of trust and to make it worst, to continue an A after I know about it is just a disrespect that I find hard to live with.
While I'm said that my M is ending, at the end of the day I must be able to live with myself and be a good father to my D.
Thanks to everyone who has given me advice.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
