It was very obvious to me that my pastor was struggling. Sure he smiled when he could and gave words of encouragement.
At first I was upset. Having experience running a company combined with my "I don't fail" attitude brought up alot of feelings....
.. but the more I watched him....working through his feelings... the more I started to work through mine.
Watching him struggle yet choosing to love us rather that let those fears get the better of him. Holding in his own fears so he could be strong for us when we were expressing ours..
it was just awesome.
I feel so lucky to be part of his life. So lucky that he loves me that much. Both him and his wife.
These are people I may not have never if not for my separation.
And on my way home I started thinking about change and how it's only a bad thing if we allow it to be. If we allow our fears to drive us instead of allowing the change to inspire us.
And tonight - I'm ready for change. To finally get out of this limboland.
I know I hope that my w will wake up, but it's not going to happen. And for some reason I just keep waiting for her to address each painful step. I keep procrastinating....
.. because I'm scared.
I am afraid of change. Afraid that if I take the bull by the horn that it will be forever over. Afraid that we will never speak of again. Afraid of what a divorced life will look like.
Afraid that I will never get over her or that I will never marry again.
I'm allowing fear to control my life and my decisions and after watching my pastor tonight chose love instead of fear.. I can't help but want to do the same.
I think I'm going to call my car insurance company and separate our plan. I'm going to let go of the remaining financial stuff. It's money that I never had and I'm using it as an excuse.
And I think I'm going to email her for the 1st time to set a date to sign the papers.
This is not a change I want by any means, but it's clear I can't stop it.
So I might as well allow it to inspire change in me... and let the fear stay in the past with the Old Val.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
