Lost

[dscl]

**Venting** (And better here than shooting off an email to the W)

I'm sitting here thinking, why am I allowing myself to be treated this way, and I don't mean her having power of my feelings or being a doormat or a plan B, I mean why I'm I trying to save the M while she's with OM? Yes, I admit that I might have not been the best husband in the world but I also was not the worst. I had many opportunities over the years to cheat and never did. Can I honestly say that if the W leaves the OM and comes back to me that I would want her back?
I'm just hit with the fact the she broke our trust and if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if it will ever comeback. Would I constantly have to live thinking if she comes home late that she is with another OM? Will I have to be THAT guy who needs to always check her email,Facebook and phones? Right or wrong the spanish machismo in me is telling me that she was with another man and that should be the end of it. I'm I going thru this because I want what I had in the past and it's blinding me to the facts of the here and now? Could I ever take back a woman that has done this to our family? Do I want a W that can so easily abandoned her only child to be with a man that she has known for such short amount of time? I don't know, maybe I really need to get IC.

The thought of calling my L is now more in my mind than the thoughts of R. Have I not called because I want to save the R or because I don't have the funds needed to get them started?

Very early in this process both W and I said that if either of us decided that we could not make it work that we would wait to after our Ds birthday before doing anything. Well Ds birthday is now less than 4wks away and as of now not much has changed, can another 4wks make that much of a diffrence? I know this is complete mindreading, but is that what she is doing, keeping me going till after the Bday to then file?

Of course these are all rhetorical questions since only I can answered them for myself.

OK, I feel better now.