Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

questions for 25 , if you come over - and anyone else who cares to give their viewpoint

i read the following on crimson's thread - addressed to peringo and am copying and pasting a part of it that i really have had a lot of trouble working with


My DB coach told me something profoundly important I'll never forget.

She said

"it's NOT our job to 'teach our spouse a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their actions',

which is what we like to call what we do when in actuality we are punishing them..."


so my question is - pertaining specifically to my sitch:

am i "teaching my WAS a lesson" or "showing him the consequences of his actions" when i say i won;t take care of s when it's his turn, and he has to work, or when s is sick, or when he's with ow and specifically asks me to keep s even if it's his turn?

by saying yes - i'm putting s's needs over my own. which is what i should be doing. by saying no - it seems that i am letting him know - you're doing what you're doing and i won't make it easy for you - in other words, consequences for his actions

where does the above statement fit in together with making boundaries to protect oneself?

i am very confused on how to approach this.

the other thing that i have noticed - when i pull back - h pulls back too. when i am more "generous and friendly" he is the same. is this some type of mirroring going on here on his part - that he's somehow following what i'm doing.

his behavior seems to be a separate thing from his actions (continuing to be with ow), but now in the last week or so when i pulled back (after a period of being more friendly and less distant) , i can see in the last few days where he has pulled back too - as if he's following my cue.

can i say it's working - that if i'm more generous with allowing him to come and go, and he responds with being more friendly and relaxed around me calling more easily etc? or is it just him taking the message that i'm okay with what he's doing.

and THEN, in terms of dropping the rope - how does that fit in with just letting things go as whatever - if he needs me to take care of s for what ever reason, no problem - would that be dropping the rope completely?

could really use your advice on this, please. i'm not even sure i'm asking the questions in the right way

thanks
zig