And thank you for following my thread(s) in general. Hopefully I am not as big of a mess as I was in the beginning.
Regarding the letter, for all intents and purposes I have locked it away. This was only the 3rd time I have read it (maybe 4th) since she gave it to me. It makes my head spin a bit and I just decided it was best for me not to revisit it much.
Wife was very insecure when we met - but would not admit it, and in fact would strongly object if someone suggested it to her. Maybe over the years I helped her - if so, I guess I am glad.
I am strugging with getting a life because at the moment I think I just feel overwhelmed by life as a whole. Seems like when I don't have my son there are a mountain of things that I need to get done that I have ignored - and when I do have him, I am trying to be as engaged of a father as I can be.
Regardless, to your point - I am doing my best to let her go. I really do not inject myself into her life much at all. Then only reason I have to is because of our son - if not that for, it would be much easier to just not talk.
I have been on ADs since before the bomb. After that, my dosage was increased and I started something for anxiety whenever it flairs up. They have helped - I can't inagine where I would be without them. For the most part, I can stay out of the worst part of the cloud - some days I just slip back a little deeper for awhile. I hate it, but I can usually plow my way out of it.
Thanks again for chiming in and following my situation.
I beat myself to an emotional pulp looking at cards and letters my W had written to me weeks before the bomb. WONDERING how could this be the same person? This seems totally contradictory! She must still have feelings for me! What can this possibly mean?!?!
Like Cindy Lou Who said, stop doing this to yourself! Your WAS has feelings for you, but not the feelings a W should have for her H. Otherwise, she would not be proceeding with D. There's the rub. Accept it, and respect that's how she feels! If she felt differently, she wouldn't be doing this, she's a grown woman!
Her feelings may change. After all, at one time she didn't love you like a W, then she did, then she didn't. Maybe some day she'll realize she's more than grateful for you, but she loves and misses you. Maybe she won't. Thing is, you don't control her feelings and your long-term happiness should not depend upon her feelings, actions, or presence. That is what labug means by co-dependence. Yes, loss and break-ups hurt like hell, but as you pick yourself up and GAL and heal, and find yourself as an individual again, life will get better and better for you.
She's grieving now, too. Let her grieve and heal and "find herself." Let her stretch her wings and see what she wants. She might decide the grass is not greener and fly back. Don't look or wait for it, though. They're attracted to our backs.
Besides the antideps, have you looked into any sort of talk counseling? Either a therapist or clergy or support group, like a divorce care, or even a men's group. I know here can help, but it helped me alot emotionally to go through this process with a guy therapist. He helped me find my legs again and nudged me towards seeing that things really would be OK, that me and my kids would be just fine on our own, that life not only would go on, but was going on.
You really want to have your full-fledged energy into GALing. What's been on your GAL menu the last 2 weeks, and what about for the next 2 weeks?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I have seen someone off and on - and have an appointment tomorrow. It has been helpful - but I probably need to do more of it. Like most, I have good and bad periods. Thankfully, I am past "shell-shocked" (I think) and know that the D is coming.
Get a life and detach. I know those are the two keys, and as much as I want to I seem to struggle with both. I don't know if it is depression or what that take ahold of me at times - but sometimes I feel paralyzed with emotion.
Breaking free would be a lot easier without S. It is a blessing and a curse that he binds us. I am forced to interact with her because of him - I have no choice. And having to see and deal with her makes it harder for me to recover emotionally and detach. When I see her, I have feelings (both good and bad) come rushing back to me. And Ultimately, when I leave her presence, I feel sad. I am still attraced to her (amazingly, after all this) and don't know how to turn it off.
Fear and sadness - those are the two things that are kind of doing me in right now. They come and go....but they are never GONE. Not yet, anyway.
Well because he is an only child, no siblings to play or fight with...
I suppose there is a chance the wife has more kids, so maybe he'll have some of those memories...
Peringo- don't know why YOU can't have more kids w/her, or someday perhaps if you don't reconcile
have them with another partner OR adopt...
but your signature line about infidelity drives me nuts.
Do you think your w had an affair in a vacuum? I"m NOT defending her or adultery but I'm always struck by how some people see it so plain and black and white...
If you want to punish your wife for infidelity, good luck busting your divorce...
if you want to see your own role in how she got into the arms of OM, then look in the mirror and work on that guy
My DB coach told me something profoundly important I'll never forget.
She said
"it's NOT our job to 'teach our spouse a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their actions',
which is what we like to call what we do when in actuality we are punishing them..."
furthermore you are mind reading if you think your w feels NO pain. It must have taken her a lot to get where she is...
and finally, If you are holding onto anger to punish someone else,
that's like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.
Let it go & move forward.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
but YES you are letting that negative voice in you color nearly ALL your interactions with your wife still.
You even project them into the future with son, how he won't care--(super needy sounding and super NOT attractive, even to a kid)
and the stuff you say about money is beginning to reek...plus I doubt it's objectively accurate anyhow.
ANd now you also want to recolor the past to see how in REALITY she just used YOU to have a family....and geez, isn't it obvious she could say the exact same thing about YOU?
You "used her as a vessel" b/c you had trouble with fertility and then when you became a dad you neglected her even more b/c you thought it was HER JOB to care for the son and not yours and you weren't even going to compliment her b/c hey, it might not help....
SEE how she could see it? I DO NOT SEE IT THAT WAY but can you finally realize that so much of this is subjective perspective?
and read the Dyer line again. How we see things IS reality or becomes it.
Crimson-You are better than this.
You know, we hammer the GAL talk a lot around here b/c it works.
But I don't hear about it much from YOU.
What are you doing to become a happier more loving man? And a more interesting man?
What NEW hobbies/classes/groups/activities are you engaged in these days? Any new friends in your world?
I'm telling you that stuff works, buddy. Give it a shot!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"it's NOT our job to 'teach our spouse a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their actions',
I've actually been trying to remember this quote - I knew there was something like it out there, I just couldn't remember the details. Thanks for reminding me, 25!
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
no problem except I forgot to add the rest of the quote...
I had mentioned something to my DB coach (a GODSEND woman, btw)
about my h "needing to see the consequences of HIS actions & where they had gotten HIM" and yada yada blah blah blah....(really my anger and pride MOSTLY talking)
and she said the part about it
not being my job as his spouse to teach him the consequences "B/C LIFE DOES THAT FOR THEM"....not us....
and she was right. My h learned his own lessons and I would not wish them on anyone.
much as I have my own regrets...he has it worse. Know what I mean?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
