H and I have been married 10 years, together for 13, much of it good. The short version is I used to be fairly sarcastic and critical; he was much more passive and sensitive. Those things didn't mix well, especially as the years went on. We adopted 2 children in 2004 (my step-nephews, as my stepsister had passed away), which was MUCH more difficult AND rewarding than I ever could have imagined. Looking back I'm sure I became depressed, and was at its worst in 2007. I was in denial about it however, and didn't do a whole lot about it. During this time our sex life struggled, as one would expect. H became very unhappy with his job and started seeing a counselor. It apparently led to discussions about how he was also unhappy with our M. He asked me to join him, I refused, partly because I didn't think I needed help, partly b/c I thought his C was creepy and incompetent. Through the year or so he went to this C, he convinced himself that I was the one that wanted a D, which was not at all the case. What I DID get out of him going to the C, was that I cut out nearly ALL my criticisms, big or small and started showing more appreciation toward him and initiated nearly all the sex for over a year. He did make some positive changes in himself...he is now much more health conscious and less sensitive (tries not to take EVERYTHING personally, which he was king of years ago) and he now loves his job again.
Big fight happened on 1/1/12 and it was like an alcoholic's epiphany for me. I FINALLY got it. I saw with crystal clarity how much our M was in trouble. I agreed to seek counseling. We went a few times together, but those sessions did not go well. I found a solution-oriented therapist and got a lot out of those 6 sessions, though she was a little odd too, talked a lot about herself. Our last argument (actually it involved him yelling at me and me sitting quietly listening to him---advice I found from a different book before I discovered MWD) was 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Basically he wants out. He says he has completely emotionally disconnected from me and doesn't know if he can ever "come back".
Other complicating factors and points of interest: We live where my husband works. It's a requirement of his job. If anyone were to move out it would have to be me, and I am in no way ready to do that.
I discovered he was having an EA with an old GF via emails. And another one with a co-worker, who is no longer working with him. I confronted him with my evidence and it all stopped. Until I discovered it started up again a couple months ago (the email one). I don't think he knows that I know.
His past complaints about me: Controlling, too harsh with the kids, too negative, undermining him when he tried to discipline the kids, we have both had trouble whenever visiting the other's family. I have pretty much stopped all of this stupid behavior.
He says that us being together "doesn't make sense". And geez, when I list out all the bad things that have happened in our M, it certainly looks that way. However, I could write for days on all the ways we DO make sense. I know I can't convince him of that right now. I have stopped pursuing, with a few minor slips. I have started going out with co-workers for happy hour once a month, I'm trying to exercise more and have planned a 3-day trip to New York City with my cousin. I have also taken on an entirely new outlook on my own job and I am enjoying it more than I have in years. I feel like I am doing a lot of the right things.
I think I need this forum to keep myself reminded of the steps to follow and to learn to be PATIENT. I decided to order some telephone coaching as well. I am looking forward to getting that scheduled.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
