Just after a bit of advice to deal with a recurring interactional quirk that's giving me pause.
When H rings me (almost every day) he ALWAYS starts off by saying "Sorry to bother you"
Then there is always a big gap, because I just don't know how to respond to this opening.
I know it's a little issue, but I know that a lot of others have heard this from their WASs.
So what would a DB coach say about responding, I wonder.
Just saying nothing and waiting for him to get on and say whatever it is that he wants to say doesn't work - it creates tangible awkwardness in the call from the get-go.
Is he bothering you? Maybe ask a question back to see if you can hear and validate how he's feeling, such as, "Why do you think you're bothering me?"
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Ad, He's not bothering me with these calls - but my problem is that I don't know if he's saying this because he believes he is (which is a disconnect/communication problem between us: i.e. that is NOT how I feel about talking to him) or if it's just a social nicety to smooth over the awkwardness HE feels about having to contact me (but then again, he doesn't really HAVE to contact me).
Maybe I should just say "It's OK" in a very quick, matter-of-fact way and stop trying to mind-read.
Really, the only thing that bothers me about his calls is the fact that he always starts them off with this phrase! And that it puts me on the back-foot every time.
It's probably just standard, passive-aggressive script. But then again, if so, how best to respond?
Here I go, analysing the arse out of everything again.
the other day - i got sick and tired of h's calling but not leaving a message - it's a clear sign when he's withdrawing more. so the last time he did it i just asked outright - why don't you leave a message - i don't know if i'm meant to call you back or not. after that he's left messages
i went through a long phase of not calling back if he didn't leave a message and not saying anything (the equivalent of you not responding and letting there be an awkward break) and i don't think it worked all that well.
this other way - of being a bit direct, but not challenging , seems to be more effective.
i think now when i don't feel like pussy footing around him anymore or walking eggshells, i don't feel so fearful of being a bit more direct and straight forward.
most of this kind of stuff smacks of passive aggressive to me, and i for one am plumb sick of it
ooh do i sound ratty tonight!
good for me!!
(( )) NLW - i feel for you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
