You may not feel like it, but you are actually in a very powerful position right now and totally in control of your own destiny.
Originally Posted By: dscl
We talked for about an hour about all our old issues I told her I knew we both mad mistakes but I wanted to fix them. I ask her if she lover the OM, she got quiet so I asked again, and then she said YES. I told her that she had to choose our family or OM. She said she needed couple of days to think about it.
Originally Posted By: dscl
I said OK
Your correct response is not "OK." That is you responding out of fear of losing her. You have already lost her. Saying "OK" to her waywardness will not regain her.
Don't let yourself, your M and your kids be disrespected this way. Are you OK with your W sleeping with another man? Are you OK with an interloper in your M? Are you ok with your W escaping your family to be with OM? I imagine all of these violate core boundaries of how you want to be treated?
Originally Posted By: dscl
seeing it was late and raining I [said] she could stay in the guest room, and she said OK.
So, let me get this straight. Your W admits she is screwing another man. She admits she has let herself fall in love with another man. She tells you she has to think about whether or not she is going to leave you, not sure if you, your M, or your family is worth it.
And you invite her to stay for the night.
Originally Posted By: dscl
I went to me room and sat in bed thinking about things and then it hit me, why does she need a couple of days t think about family or OM? Why I'm I given her this time and letting her sleep in our family house when she told me she loves OM? So I went to her room and told her I made up my mind.
There you go!
Originally Posted By: dscl
You either leave OM and commit to making our M work, or we can't begin to fix us. She told me she still needed a couple of days. I told her that it not an option, you either want to work on our M or you want to be with OM. She started with the ITLTL speak, and I told her we have not even tried to fix it and I did not want to be a plan B if the A with the OM did not work.
Preach on!
Originally Posted By: dscl
She said then fine, I choose him. I then said OK you have to go and she left. I don't think it was fair to ask me her H of 10yrs to give her a couple of days to choose her family or some guy she has been with for a month.
You don't deserve to be treated like that. Set and hold that boundary of how you expect to be treated in a marital relationship. Her choice to abide by it or not.
NOW, while you are holding that boundary, let's get to work on YOU!
What was your part in the breakdown of the M?
What can you change/better about yourself?
How can you start reinventing and improving yourself?
What can you do to get a life (GAL?)
Have you read DR or DB yet?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
OK, just got back, got D out of daycare early because of the rain. Me and D had a great time! One godo thing that has come out of all this is the time I spend with her, it like we are a little team!
Bustorama: Believe me I know, I read the post and I cringe. The only reason I even said it was because I thought it would be a nice surprise for D to see her mom when she woke up. All the talk with M and W have has only been about D. Really was worry that D would start feeling bad that her mom was not here, but as Brit45 pointed out, that W's job not mine.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
Did you let your wife know that you wouldn't be responding to her texts while she was engaging in her "personal issues."
Have you thought yet about what sorts of things WOULD merit in responding to in your mind? Where exactly is your boundary of communication with her now? Think about it a bit so you are prepared as she tests it. Because she will. Throwing volleys of rocks over your wall here and there. Dashing back and forth across your front line. To see if you are still there.
I want to take this back to what I said before, though, dscl
How did you guys get here?
What is your role in the breakdown of your M? What mistakes have you made?
How would you like to better yourself?
How could you GAL?
Have you read DR/DB yet?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Did you let your wife know that you wouldn't be responding to her texts while she was engaging in her "personal issues."
**No.
Have you thought yet about what sorts of things WOULD merit in responding to in your mind? Where exactly is your boundary of communication with her now? Think about it a bit so you are prepared as she tests it. Because she will. Throwing volleys of rocks over your wall here and there. Dashing back and forth across your front line. To see if you are still there.
**To be honest I have not, but looking at my past, I feel I've been there way to often for her. Now if it's something that D related and it NEEDS to be answer, then I will.
I want to take this back to what I said before, though, dscl
How did you guys get here?
**From my side I will have to admit I neglected her. I look back now and I see years of her trying to engage me in her daily life and I did not. I own that part of the issue,but I refuse when she tries to make me feel that this gave her the OK to go to OM.
What is your role in the breakdown of your M? What mistakes have you made?
See above
How would you like to better yourself?
**I do have an issue that I get annoyed very quirky and I have started working on that. Can't say that I've fixed it but I have taken baby step.
How could you GAL?
**This one is a little hard at the moment, full time work full time dad. But I have started going to the gym and I'm going to join workshops in my office.
Have you read DR/DB yet?
**Reading DR now.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
**Venting** (And better here than shooting off an email to the W)
I'm sitting here thinking, why am I allowing myself to be treated this way, and I don't mean her having power of my feelings or being a doormat or a plan B, I mean why I'm I trying to save the M while she's with OM? Yes, I admit that I might have not been the best husband in the world but I also was not the worst. I had many opportunities over the years to cheat and never did. Can I honestly say that if the W leaves the OM and comes back to me that I would want her back? I'm just hit with the fact the she broke our trust and if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if it will ever comeback. Would I constantly have to live thinking if she comes home late that she is with another OM? Will I have to be THAT guy who needs to always check her email,Facebook and phones? Right or wrong the spanish machismo in me is telling me that she was with another man and that should be the end of it. I'm I going thru this because I want what I had in the past and it's blinding me to the facts of the here and now? Could I ever take back a woman that has done this to our family? Do I want a W that can so easily abandoned her only child to be with a man that she has known for such short amount of time? I don't know, maybe I really need to get IC.
The thought of calling my L is now more in my mind than the thoughts of R. Have I not called because I want to save the R or because I don't have the funds needed to get them started?
Very early in this process both W and I said that if either of us decided that we could not make it work that we would wait to after our Ds birthday before doing anything. Well Ds birthday is now less than 4wks away and as of now not much has changed, can another 4wks make that much of a diffrence? I know this is complete mindreading, but is that what she is doing, keeping me going till after the Bday to then file?
Of course these are all rhetorical questions since only I can answered them for myself.
OK, I feel better now.
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
