I figured it was time for a new thread and figured I would honor the great Bob Dylan with the title as this record is basically a journal of his feelings when he was getting divorced. I have noticed that I can relate to the myriad of thoughts and feelings that he conveyed as I am sure could we all. _________________________
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Funny, I listened to this album yesterday. It was the first Bob Dylan record I got. I still remember my mother bursting into my room and asking what that awful noise was. She was perturbed when I told her she bought it for me for Christmas.....
Listening to the song "Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts" is like listening to a book. And then for laughs you have "Idiot Wind".
I hope all is well with you today!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Even my friends still tell me that they see that I still love her.
That's what my IC says, even my Mom says she hears it in my voice...
The tough part can be figuring out who we are dealing with: MLC W, HPD W or the real W that has shown us the gold that we dug up, but now is up to them to dig up and leave on the surface...and who of those three is going to stay (predominantly) long term? Don't have an answer, just talking out loud with you...
Have a good weekend, and love the thread title!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was thinking about your thread the other day. My backdrop was a conversation I had with my daughter's therapist. She is angry at me for an incident regarding facebook. More about dealing with things in her family but I digress... He mentioned she has a lot of pride.
So I wonder. What is pride's contribution to the dynamics of a relationship whether whole or broken? Does it serve you well long term? Does it prevent you from healing? Does it help to repair a broken relationshihp? Does it get in the way?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You and I must be on the same wavelength!! After my last post I started doing some heavy thinking about what I kind of relationship would I like with STBXW and what it would take for me (my role), to make that happen. It basically came down to swallowing my pride and forgiving. So here's what happened this weekend.
STBXW asked me to go to artfest with her and D1. I did with absolutely no expectations. A mutual friend came with wiht her kids and we had a great time. STBXW shared a meal together and D1 had the time of her life with both parents.
When STBXW left for a minute to run after D1, the mutual friend turned to me and said disapprovingly "So you are hanging out with STBXW again?"
I responded to her like this. "I figure that I have at least 20 years with STBXW in my life. I can choose to make them miserable by being bitter and angry with her and have nothing to do with her, or I can make the best of it and enjoy the time that I have and forgive. I came out today to have fun and I got to spend extra time with D1, which makes it all worth it. I have absolutely no expectations so I should not be able to get hurt and if I do, well, that just reminds me that I am alive and human."
She seem to understand.
STBXW asked me to her place to swim, which I declined because I had errands to run before work, we said goodbye and that was it.
Yesterday, I picked up D1 at STBXW's place and saw her apartment for the first time. It was a mess! Hardly anything unpacked and stuff was everywhere. STBXW was crying uncontrollably because "[she] couldn't find D1's shoes." I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she had been throwing up blood for the last 5 weeks and was worried. I asked if she had seen a doctor and she said no.
I then did a 180 and left it at that. No lecturing, no nothing. I went into D1's room and found some shoes in a bin right away. STBXW walked me to the car. After I strapped D1 in, STBXW started crying again. I gave her a big hug and told her that everything will be alright and told her to please take care of herself.
Then she floored me.
She said I was a great man and a great father (that didn't floor me because she has said it before). Then she appologized for EVERYTHING she had done in the last year. EVERYTHING. She said I did not deserve how she treated me and she has been wanting to tell me that for the last few weeks.
I accepted her appology and appologized for things that I may have done to hurt our relationship. I gave her a big hug and then D1 and I went to church.
I still have absolutely no expectations and will use boundaries if needed. If this is MLC, she might be heading into Isolation/ Depression, or she might be just taking a break from replay. Who knows.
The overall message I guess I am trying to convey to her is that I am still here, but I will not fix your problems.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, Well done! I'm glad you had a great time at the artfest and yes, you had the opportunity to spend time w/your little one, as well as observe your wife in different surroundings.
Bravo! I'm glad you were totally honest w/the mutual friend. I guess my question would be what business it of hers if you and your wife are being civil and just enjoying the day w/your child? Your response was right on they money.
Sounds like your wife has got some issues w/unpacking and setting up her new apt. She may very well have an ulcer and it will only get worse w/o treatment, but again, she's a big girl and she will need to decide when it's time to see a doctor.
I am glad she finally recognized what her behavior has cost the two of you over the last year. Hopefully her actions will speak loud and clear and healing can begin.
TM, you are doing well and yes, your expectations have to stay at zero because you do not know if she's begun to enter the dark depression or just having moments of clarity.
I am very glad you took a chance and everything worked out for you over the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The mutual friend was someone that I stayed with for the past 6 months before getting my own place. She was a witness to many of STBXW and my interactions as they happened as STBXW was picking up or dropping off D1.
STBXW was also talking with her a LOT.
The friend was just concerned because she did not want to see me get hurt again, as she got to witness the aftermath of the first time up close and personal and it wasn't pretty.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, Now, I understand the friend's concern...your response was extremely honest, came from the heart and you had put a lot of thought into it.
People who care about us see a lot of the nastiness that we have dealt w/and only want what is best for us. It's difficult for them to understand our situations, but I'm glad she was there for both of you, but most importantly, her concern for your well being. Hopefully, your response was enough to ease her concern just a little bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This was the beginning of a turn around for my sitch back in April I think...YMMV, as usual.
Like you, I have expectations and boundaries set appropriately...
They have been burning the candle at all three or four ends for a while now, creating and living their drama...their physical and mental health is showing the toll...
Sounds like your harbor waters are calm and sunny...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
