This week while S was away at camp, I made a point to engage with H in a positive way. We didn't do any more walks because of his blistered toes, but we did go to dinner twice. At dinner, H didn't take any food off of my plate but made a point to mention it. I don't think he intended to be belligerent, but I still find it a bit awkward. I also suggested that he start looking forward at the calendar and plan a boating trip. I did not go overboard and over-invest.
On Sunday morning, H made a comment to me that he thinks S watches too much tv and was asking me for my ideas on what to do about that. I turned and looked at him, and then looked past him at the tv that HE had on. I didn't laugh out loud but did think it was rather hypocritical of him. I didn't tell him that. Instead, I suggested that the best way to teach children is by example, that if you tell them something but then live something else, they can see right through it. H got extremely defensive about his tv watching, gave me a bunch of reasons why his programs (Glee, NCIS) are so much better than the cr@p cartoons that S watches, that he can still be productive while the tv is on, etc. He wasn't calm when he was saying it, treating me very disrespectfully. I planned on going to a potluck for boy scouts with him at noon, but I bailed because I didn't want to be around him. That made him even more angry because he wanted me there anyway.
So, I'm looking for suggestions as to how I could have handled this differently/better, since I know I can't change him. Obviously, I could have gone to the potluck. That doesn't address the conflict in the morning which is more what I'm interested in.
I also learned something about myself this weekend. I think I've touched on it before but was unable to put words to it until this weekend. I really resent that H is so comfortable with putting me in the traditional male role. Until the last 6 months, I've made considerably more money than him, and he readily admits it doesn't bother him. At the same time, I'm going back to school to be able to advance my career, and he has never done anything to improve his career. I spent a good part of the week fixing the sprinkler system and rewiring the yard lights, because he "didn't know it was his responsibility so it wasn't on his radar." Well, we aren't rich and don't have a groundskeeper, which means he had to think it was on my list of responsibilities.
I also put a good amount of time into analyzing the work on the deck, making sure the builders are doing things the way we want them to. There have been several problems/mistakes that I've had to ask them to address. I told H a month ago that I need him to get more involved, to step up and share ownership of this deck project, that I need help, that this isn't my thing (I do computers, not decks.) I mentioned it again Sunday afternoon, so H steps out on the deck, says he doesn't see anything wrong. I tell him there are at least a half dozen issues. I show him one thing, he starts telling me that I'm just a perfectionist. The thing I showed him was a spot in the deck where the boards dip and make a trough because the cross-supports are set down 1/4". After H takes a few seconds to look at it, he decides it really is wrong. So he goes from accusing me of being a perfectionist to the builders aren't meeting the minimal requirements of level and square. He's not helping in the process AND beating me up for what I'm contributing. It seems to be a lose-lose for me.
Keeping the focus on me, how do I deal with this in a positive way? What can I do differently?
