Robb I'm going to give you some advice. What's funny is that it's coming from me who is in the same boat.
You may want to think about going dark. I know when this happened to me years ago, I was always there for her. She got to have her time and then when she wanted family time, we gave it to her. After reading DB, I read about pulling back, going dark, not always being there when she wanted. ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAD EVER DID. There was one occasion when I brought the kids over, she asked me to stay and talk. I politely said I wished I could but had some chores to do and left. She was calling before I got home. Looking back, I think this was very beneficial for me to stop being there whenever she wanted.
Something to consider, when you know she is going to do something and you want to join, make some sort of excuse and do not participate. When she calls, don't answer immediately, let some time go by before you call her back. IT IS VERY HARD TO DO. I think it's part of the theory that when we quit chasing, they quit running. Or, they start losing their safety net to keep coming back to whenever they want. Just something to think about.
I know I'm in the same boat and it applies to me also. I told my son that until she moves out of the house, I don't have the ability to emotionally detach. I am depressed and don't want to leave the house as long as she is there. I know I am doing more damage than good.
The bottom line for me is, I know I will be OK down the road. I know I still have a lot of pain to go through. I fear she will end up in a worse place and because I love her, I can't stand the thought of that. You and a thousand others can tell me it's not my decision, it's out of my control, she controls her situation, etc., but it still doesn't help right now.
Also, I tell myself that after we separate, I might enjoy life without her. Maybe I've been living in chaos, I might like normalcy and not want to go back. Then I feel bad for thinking those thoughts.
