Don't think I am doing very well right now with GAL. This weekend I felt kind of paralyzed with sadness/depression. Probably because w was gone on vacation with S and I missed him - and if I am being honest, her as well. She periodically sent me a few pictures and it was good to see them - but at the same time looking at my S standing in front of the ocean in the Bay made me sad that I couldn't be there as well. I know my w didn't mean it as a taunt - but I felt that way at times. I was sad because it was something that would have been a great "family" thing to do and I felt the sense of loss. This weekend I found if hard to really enjoy much of anything.....it is difficult for me to detach right now. I am not reaching out to her at all, but I think about her and my son a lot. I hate to feel as if I am missing out on things in his life.
I guess part of detaching is embracing the knowledge that you are going to be alright no matter the outcome. I am not there yet and I still have a lot of fears about what life is going to be like post-D. Financially, I am wrecked. This thing has cost me more money than I could have imagined - money that I just don't have. I have had to take on debt to get through this. Then I am on the hook for a big chunk of money for my w every month that severely impedes my ability to do ANYTHING but greatly improves hers....hence, she can go on vacation and so on. I am afraid that I won't be able to afford school for my son this coming year - and if anything goes wrong with my car I am in deep sh*t. I have worked so hard in my life to never be in these kind of circumstances - and here I am. Ironically, they are being brought about by someone that I loved more that anyone on this Earth. I worked to provide for her and my son.
Bah - probably just feeling sorry for myself/down right now. I think it was just a bad weekend for me.
