You and I must be on the same wavelength!! After my last post I started doing some heavy thinking about what I kind of relationship would I like with STBXW and what it would take for me (my role), to make that happen. It basically came down to swallowing my pride and forgiving. So here's what happened this weekend.
STBXW asked me to go to artfest with her and D1. I did with absolutely no expectations. A mutual friend came with wiht her kids and we had a great time. STBXW shared a meal together and D1 had the time of her life with both parents.
When STBXW left for a minute to run after D1, the mutual friend turned to me and said disapprovingly "So you are hanging out with STBXW again?"
I responded to her like this. "I figure that I have at least 20 years with STBXW in my life. I can choose to make them miserable by being bitter and angry with her and have nothing to do with her, or I can make the best of it and enjoy the time that I have and forgive. I came out today to have fun and I got to spend extra time with D1, which makes it all worth it. I have absolutely no expectations so I should not be able to get hurt and if I do, well, that just reminds me that I am alive and human."
She seem to understand.
STBXW asked me to her place to swim, which I declined because I had errands to run before work, we said goodbye and that was it.
Yesterday, I picked up D1 at STBXW's place and saw her apartment for the first time. It was a mess! Hardly anything unpacked and stuff was everywhere. STBXW was crying uncontrollably because "[she] couldn't find D1's shoes." I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she had been throwing up blood for the last 5 weeks and was worried. I asked if she had seen a doctor and she said no.
I then did a 180 and left it at that. No lecturing, no nothing. I went into D1's room and found some shoes in a bin right away. STBXW walked me to the car. After I strapped D1 in, STBXW started crying again. I gave her a big hug and told her that everything will be alright and told her to please take care of herself.
Then she floored me.
She said I was a great man and a great father (that didn't floor me because she has said it before). Then she appologized for EVERYTHING she had done in the last year. EVERYTHING. She said I did not deserve how she treated me and she has been wanting to tell me that for the last few weeks.
I accepted her appology and appologized for things that I may have done to hurt our relationship. I gave her a big hug and then D1 and I went to church.
I still have absolutely no expectations and will use boundaries if needed. If this is MLC, she might be heading into Isolation/ Depression, or she might be just taking a break from replay. Who knows.
The overall message I guess I am trying to convey to her is that I am still here, but I will not fix your problems.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
