Lately I have really been homesick and have honestly thought of moving home especially when feeling alone, broke, alienated, etc

However I've looked long and hard and I do think that in my life I often think that moving and a fresh start will solve things. And it probably gives me a diversion because I plan, a distraction because I could daydream about being somewhere else, and a sense of purpose because I was moving forward.

I'm trying to analyse what it is that I'm missing: comfort, reassurance, familiarity, my culture, close community,

I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she spoke to me in sort of two languages. I had been avoiding talking to her after I told her about the separation...I was so ashamed. And hearing her talk to me in that accent, in that language, it did me in really. Just in tears and yet comforted at the same.

I am trying really hard to separate my healing. that the pain of change and an ending doesn't necessarily have to do with missing H and the M.

In fact when Zig was talking about the situation with her S, I remembered when my S said something to me so dismissive and rude and was exactly what H would have said and I turned to him and said "H doesn't live here because he talked to me that way, you are certainly not allowed to" Because was so cold and mean to me. I remember yelling at him towards the end when I was done with it that he wouldn't dream of talking to friends, coworkers or his mother that way so why is it okay to be so hateful towards me. Everyone saw him as the nice guy but he had a very cold, cutting side to him that hurt me.

I am not making everything I feel to be a direct result of him.

While I thought that the answer was to plan a trip home maybe for Christmas, I now think the answer is to challenge myself to step outside the box. It came up recently when S mentioned a town and said what's there again and I said oh you know it has the big cathedral we always go there for xmas eve for H and IL's and he said what will we do this xmas? I said what would you like to do have our own xmas here or go home and see [my mom], or do something crazy and go on a vacation to a warm beach? And he said what about Paris?

Part of me can think of nothing worse: romantic, cold, possibly bleak. But maybe that's the answer to push myself to do something different. It's a long way off, but I am thinking instead of idealizing home (or a move in genera) perhaps I need to stop that pattern and stay still. It's a theme that comes up more and more.

Beginners mind there are many more options that just running away or starting over.