Stronger

[mishka422]

Rough day yesterday.

Went to church in the morning and was pleasantly surprised that my cousin who lives in FL was there. She had come up for the family baby shower yesterday for our other cousin's DIL. I was excited to see her. That's where the good started to go downhill.

We went to breakfast together after church, that was nice but a little harried.

After that we were attending a memorial service for a wonderful lady who died 2 weeks ago from a brain tumor. She was amazing and will be so missed. Cried for a solid hour and a half.

Then, just to do the opposite....baby shower. Too big a mood swing in a a short span of time.

After all of that we got together to play cards and that was when I got the hammer over the head.

It's going to sound stupid, but it hurt me and I don't see getting past it any time soon. We had decided on partners for the game and we always try to come up with silly team names. They had chosen theirs and my partner and I weren't feeling especially creative so told them to make one up for us. My cousin looked at my partner and said, "sunshine" and then said, "ok, I've got it! Sunshine and rain!". When I asked why she decided on that she said it was because I'm a "little black raincloud".

That hurt. I work very hard NOT to be anything but happy in front of everyone. The only time I have ever shown her anything but that was in the worst of the worst time I had and she had asked me to please tell her what was going on and how she could help. I guess I'm projecting something when I don't think I am. Later, she said something about someone saying things to hurt her and looked at our other cousin and said, "you know who I mean." It felt like a sideways way of saying I was the person she meant. Yes, it may seem like mindreading but in the context it was said and after what she had already said it really felt like she meant me. I honestly can't think of anything I said that was hurtful but that doesn't mean I might not be oblivious.

My heart hurts. The tears are sitting behind my eyes and threatening to spill.

She is here until tomorrow morning and usually I would go and hang out with her tonight but now I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm not welcome. These are the only close family I have left but I'm feeling more and more pushed out. Heck, I invited myself over to play cards with them. I had asked them to call me if they decided to play but they never did so I took it upon myself to go and see what they were up to. They were playing and hadn't called. I should have taken the hint then and left. That's the last time I show up without a specific invitation. It will probably mean that I won't see my family except on holidays but that's just how it's going to have to be.

The more I think about it, it's me that's the problem. My best friend won't call, won't pick up when I call her, won't even answer a text asking how her daughter did in her American Idol audition. None of my friends calls back. I don't ask for anything from them! I just want to hear what is going on with them, hear about their triumphs and tribulations. I never load them down with anything bad, there isn't anything good to share with them so when they ask I tell them that all is fine and we're just plugging along. Nothing that should be sending them for the hills running from me.

Yep, it's me. I'm done. This is horribly painful.