what i am about to write is horrible. i am so upset at myself. it's really difficult for me to write this here, but i'm making myself do it - not as "punishment" but just for insight from you wonderful people, and help.
i have a terrible pattern within myself - all these months i thought i had broken it completely but last night i found out that i haven't. i messed up so bad, i think, that i can't even begin to figure out where to start to rectify what i said. i think i just have to accept that i did that and then show through my actions that it's not how i meant it.
the pattern is that when things aren't "going my way" i just can't accept it and i get mean, well, last night i was mean to s saying something that was totally unacceptable.
it came out of my mouth - i was frustrated - i think i said it pretty calmly, but it was horrendous, at the time i thought i was "preparing him for the realities of the sitch" ahead. but what i was really doing was so much more insidious.
some things i learned about myself - old habits really die hard - even if you think they are gone, they are not.
there is a serious danger that i may be starting to direct my negative feelings for h towards s, because i cannot deal with them and s is here.
i am interpreting s's "being happy and wanting to be with h" very negatively and taking it personally. i found myself realizing that i was actually mad at s deep down - because ever since h bought this house, he's been so goddamn happy about it.
i am not handling things so well right now.
all these things i've written - they are horrible, and i realize i have some serious issues to deal with. so any insight from anyone else, if they have gone through similar feelings - and how they worked through them. i feel like the monster mom right now.
after s went to bed, i called my mom and was practically hysterical over what i'd said. she calmed me down and told me not to be so hard on myself that in these kinds of situations, mistakes happen. but this was not a mistake - this was me telling s things i never should have said.
i don't know how to be lovingly distant here, i don't know how to detach without turning off my feelings. i don't know how to be a mom 1 week and not the next. I have to learn these things. this is no one's problem but my own.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
