How many licks does it take...?

[bustorama]

After this coming week, I'll have 5 of 7 classes complete. Including practice examinations and the completion of my 2 remaining classes, I could be ready for the licensing exam by mid to late July.

This is awesome! What are you leaning on doing with it? Residential? Commercial? Buying or selling agent? Good timing because the market is starting to pick up finally, no? (or at least stopped dropping?).

I oftentimes forget to validate and I know that it is so important. I feel like I need some kind of reminder so that when an opportunity comes around I can provide the validation. It is not something that comes naturally in fact my fixer tendencies are significantly more dominate.

Yep, I know just what you mean. I was the same way. Keep working at it. For me my progress went from recognizing that I had just "fixed" rather than listened and validated some hours after I had done so, to minutes after I had done so, to catching myself while I was in the act of doing it (I even once slipped out a "HAH!" while my W was in the room when I caught myself), to preempting it more and more until it became more my habit than my exception. Maybe even try to reward yourself with something each time you validate rather than fix.

I can totally see my W say something like "the sky is blue and I prefer purple." And instead of saying, "W it must be hard not to be able to look at a purple sky especially since it is your favorite" I'd end up saying "you know, I saw purple skies on sale at the grocery store, I'll go get it for you. Be right back."

Hehe.

I'm interested though; sitting in silence on the drive back from the accident, I really didn't have much to say. Perhaps this is where validation or at least conversation that might lead to an opportunity to show validation would be recommended? I wanted to be careful not to come across as judgmental, knowing full well that my W would have responded in a very defensive way. I felt it better to just keep my mouth shut.

Nah, sometimes quiet is ok. But would you sit in dead silence with a friend of yours, say your roommate, if he got in a wreck and you went to go pick him up? What might you say? "Hey, I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt. How you feel? You ok?" And if they say "Fine." "OK, good to hear, I bet getting into a car accident can shake you up." And then you go on bs'ing about whatever or if it seems they wanna be quiet, then that's fine too, you be quiet. Wasn't clear from y'all's interaction what the tenor of the silence was like.

Being concrete, in what ways might you have handled the car wreck situation differently?

I suppose there are a few different scenarios that could have played out had I handled it differently. And I almost did one. When she called me, I had actually hitched a ride with a friend to do the baseball recon thing. So when she called we were in the middle of the game and she needed a ride. After I confirmed that everyone was ok, I almost told her I was busy which I was. Had that scenario played itself out, things would have been very different, she'd be pissed and it probably would have even cemented her idea about our separation.

I bet she's pretty pleased with the way the separation is going with OM on one side and 2thepoint ready to bail her out on the other. Yeah, she might get crazy pissed in the short-term and swear that this is it, you've ruined it forever. Your true colors have come out. But, then long-term, she may decide that not having 2thepoint there for her is not what she really wanted after all. Alot of it would be in how you communicate to her that you are not there to rescue her anymore (and why).

Another scenario could have played out like I pick W up and I totally validate and really listen to her while we are on the drive home, then let her know I'd be on my way and that would be it. Totally leave everything up to her to handle, (insurance claim, advil, etc.)..

Yeah, a complicating issue with the car wreck sitch is it didn't just involve your W, it also involved one of your S. So, it also is reasonable to go out there to make sure your S is ok, not too scared and able to get home safely and and that the mother of your S is unhurt. In that case you would go out there to take care of that business. Validate the mother of your son/ex about the wreck. And once S was home safe with his mom, get out of Dodge quick to let her clean up her mess.

Many months into our sitch, my WAS/BS also called me to rescue her from a car accident in which some of our kids also were in the car. Many of your emotional reactions to the situation are similar to some of my (unhealthy) ones at the time.

So how did you handle the situation? What dynamics were in play at the time?

This was before I said I had had enough and the whole sitch didn't work for me and I was going NC. It was when I was still in waiting/hoping friend mode.

I went to rescue her. She left me waiting on the sidewalk of a busy street for like 45 minutes trying to juggle our 3 girls and keep them safe while she was texting away with a friend of hers non-stop in the car about what happened, waiting for the cops and basically ignoring me. I dropped everyone back off at her place, and she thanked me for bailing them out. I was angry and disappointed that she took me so much for granted (I had unmet expectations, also by this point I realized that other women did not treat me that way). I resolved not to allow myself to rescue someone that didn't also value me.

I left her to deal with all the fallout, insurance, etc. stuff