HE is the only person that can and should control himself.
[quote=NLW]I'm trying to walk the line of showing him that he has not gone so far as to be at the point of no return. That I do not consider his actions to be so shameful that he can never come back.
^^^NOT THIS. Do you see how the second quote is incompatible with the boldfaced part of the first quote? By "showing" him things, making it clear that "doors are open," you are devaluing yourself and your boundaries, trying to control him, and also implicitly disrespecting him as being incapable of fixing himself, his bad choices, and his own emotions.
Yes Busto, now I'm starting to see! Phew, thanks for having the patience to explain things in this detailed way to me. I really am thick in relation to this principle!
I have definitely been implicitly disregarding/ignoring/disrespecting what he has been telling me. And this is probably the nub of why he left in the first place.
He is a grown man. He KNOWS that what he is doing is wrong. That he expreses shame, evasion, deception is evidence of this. Do not excuse, enable or minimize his choices. He is all powerful to choose differently and is more likely to do so if he is starkly confronted with the reality of his choices (per ncl's messages). And, like ncl said, if he doesn't, then he does not deserve you and all the loyalty and love of which you are so clearly capable.
Again, this way of explaining it makes sense to me. He has not been starkly confronted with any reality in relation to his choices so far, because i have been facilitating/pandering/accommodating.
Originally Posted By: NLW
It's all about shame and failure for him, I'm sure,
You are mindreading and projecting here, in part based on what he has spewed to you.
You can reject his behavior without rejecting him and closing the door irrecovably on your relationship. It's up to him to deal with his own shame, and he can if he chooses to -- it is not your responsibility to manage his emotions.
If you enforce a boundary that says something to the effect of, "H, I loved when we were together as a couple and as a family. I am sorry for my share of mistakes in our M. But, I am not ok with having a relationship of any kind with someone who IS ACTIVELY cheating on me and, in doing so, is being disrespectful to me and our kids. I am worth more than that. In light of what is going on, I would like to set up up formal custody arrangements for the kids as well as legal separation of our finances. Etc. etc.
I know it's scary as hell, but it is setting yourself free and taking control of your life back.
Yes, this makes sense absolutely and the voicing of what I might say to him helps enormously. Thanks again for being so willing to help me through this - when I continue to look like I'm not paying attention. I know you know how hard it is, but that's no excuse for sustained stupidity (otherwise known as keeping on doing what doesn't work)
