How many licks does it take...?

[2thepoint]

That is GREAT news about the boys and about your progress with the real estate classes. What's the time table for the licensing exam? The trip sounds nice too. I could use a trip.

After this coming week, I'll have 5 of 7 classes complete. Including practice examinations and the completion of my 2 remaining classes, I could be ready for the licensing exam by mid to late July.

I read that you felt jealous or, really at its core, rejected that your W seemed to reach out to and open up more to this relative stranger (hugging and sobbing with mom of S14's friend) and appeared to be less intimate with you.

I understand your point, Busto. I'm just not sure if I would characterize it as resentment. To me it feels more like a simple awareness of my reality. I'm no longer ruled by my emotions in the way I used to be. I feel like I am just resigned to the fact that this is the way it is and I just shake my head in wonder as to why my W doesn't get it.

Lovingly remove yourself from the picture. And when you DO interact with her, be detached so that you do not go to reproachful resentment or silence or fixing ("maybe you should change medications"). Instead meet her with validating acceptance ("Yeah, that must be hard not feeling the same since your medical crisis. I imagine that must be hard for you to feel that way, W.". And then get back out of there to your own life

I totally get this ^^^. But I oftentimes forget to validate and I know that it is so important. I feel like I need some kind of reminder so that when an opportunity comes around I can provide the validation. It is not something that comes naturally in fact my fixer tendencies are significantly more dominate.

I can totally see my W say something like "the sky is blue and I prefer purple." And instead of saying, "W it must be hard not to be able to look at a purple sky especially since it is your favorite" I'd end up saying "you know, I saw purple skies on sale at the grocery store, I'll go get it for you. Be right back." It is that ingrained in my being. Really hard to change!

I'm interested though; sitting in silence on the drive back from the accident, I really didn't have much to say. Perhaps this is where validation or at least conversation that might lead to an opportunity to show validation would be recommended? I wanted to be careful not to come across as judgmental, knowing full well that my W would have responded in a very defensive way. I felt it better to just keep my mouth shut.

Being concrete, in what ways might you have handled the car wreck situation differently?

I suppose there are a few different scenarios that could have played out had I handled it differently. And I almost did one. When she called me, I had actually hitched a ride with a friend to do the baseball recon thing. So when she called we were in the middle of the game and she needed a ride. After I confirmed that everyone was ok, I almost told her I was busy which I was. Had that scenario played itself out, things would have been very different, she'd be pissed and it probably would have even cemented her idea about our separation.

Another scenario could have played out like I pick W up and I totally validate and really listen to her while we are on the drive home, then let her know I'd be on my way and that would be it. Totally leave everything up to her to handle, (insurance claim, advil, etc.)..

Many months into our sitch, my WAS/BS also called me to rescue her from a car accident in which some of our kids also were in the car. Many of your emotional reactions to the situation are similar to some of my (unhealthy) ones at the time.

So how did you handle the situation? What dynamics were in play at the time?