Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

yes - i did - under a lot of pressure from family and him.

not directly -even though that's how i remembered it. my mom insists, and so does he, that they never said anything to push me, but i remember some conversations. maybe they were pushing me to decide and i took a really long time to do so.

i was really reluctant to move to the states. maybe it was myself pressuring me really hard - i realize now, for the first time, really - how messed up i was then. the divorce had just come through - 10 days before s was born. h had to leave to come back to the states 6 weeks after the birth, and there was this time thing, because if i was to move here then we should get married there and have time to put in the app for the visa before he left. i remember feeling SO pressured, and with a new born baby, and absolutely NOT wanting to be a single mom, but the most powerful thought in my mind that tortured me back then was that i had no right to make a decision which deprived h of one single moment with his child. that's what made me agree, along with the fact that i really didn't want to be without him.

by the time s and i arrived, when he was 4 months old - i was so happy and relieved that we were together again that i completely embraced being with him. BUT i couldn't embrace living in the states (9/11 had just happened right before we came) - it took me a couple of years to adjust, and h felt this enormous guilt for forcing me to come, even though i said that i wanted to be with him. it was as if he could never get over it

now when i look back, he could have come back to do that - or i could have come to the states later, on a tourist visa - but it seemed imperative for him back then. i think maybe it was a deep fear in him that i wouldn't come and he wouldn't be able to be with his son. i know he really loved me and i really loved him.

the reluctance was that i think deep deep down i had some small awareness that i needed a little time to get over the divorce - NOT because i had any feelings left for my first husband but because it just takes time and i didn't want to be a person who remarried 5 weeks after my divorce.

after the bomb drop and our hours of talking and crying- he told me that he always interpreted that initial reluctance as a sign that i didn't love him. well - no one else thinks so - when i told mil that, she said it was ridiculous - there was so much love from me for the 2 of them - it was clear to everyone. but h felt betrayed and didn't understand that huge changes like that take time to go through, and instead of trusting that i meant what i said, maybe his own insecurities didn't allow him to believe how much i loved him. just like my own insecurities didn't allow me to believe how much he loved me.

so sad misunderstandings all around