1) Enforce a boundary (if it is a boundary of yours) that you will not have someone that is cheating on you (or not valuing your M/R) as a part of your life. No accepting visits, calls, or contact from him. "I need space from you."
2) Legal custody arrangement (he needs to pull his weight of kids OR be paying you regularly in kind)
3) Legal financial separation (to protect yourself and kids)
4) If you are up to it, file for D against him as your ultimate boundary enforcement of how you deserve to be treated.
None of the above is vindictive, mean or angry. He can interpret it as so if he wishes. It is a boundary enforcement of how you wish and deserve to be treated in a marital R.
The more that it is YOU pulling away from him, you rejecting him as unacceptable to you, the more likely he is to come back. And, if he doesn't, it is truly his loss, and you will emerge ready to continue your life open to meeting someone who values you, your family, and your M.
I agree with all of the above. Just because you establish and enforce boundaries does NOT mean you are not leaving the path home paved and smooth. Instead, it means you are standing up for yourself and for your children. It is showing your husband that you deserve respect and honor. If he can't honor that, then he isn't good enough for you!!!
In my case, until I established and enforced boundaries, my marriage didn't improve and our reconciling efforts failed. If my husband had been unwilling to respect and honor my boundaries...number one being no contact in any form for any reason with ow ever again...then I would be divorced by now. I was tired of living that life.
I'm very, very sorry you are going through this. When my husband was having his affair, he was the one to file for divorce. However, unlike the times before, I didn't drag my feet in getting to a lawyer to respond. When he realized I meant business this time and was sick to death of putting up with his bs, he took a long, hard look at what he was doing and what his life without me as his wife would be like. I took back my power, and I can't tell you how good that felt. Yes, it was scary at first, but it was a lot less scary than having HIM in control of my life while he was carrying on with that ow!
Your husband is not being a man who deserves a great lady like you. Hang in there, draw strength from your children and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.
