Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

guess i got locked out. it seems as if i only just started that last thread.

well, today has been a strange day.

i can't say where i really am, but the urge to go to h and tell him that i now after all these months can really really see where he's right about so many things, is getting quite over-powering.

i've been working my way to this place slowly - and looking back i can see soooo much more clearly how i DIDN'T validate -really really validate what he was saying.

but as i go through my own intense inner growth and movement - [censored] i can see how he has been so on the mark about so much.

i was so hurt and offended when a few weeks ago, he sort of "topped" it off by adding that we even started out completely wrong and i wasn't ready for a relationship. at the time it was just like 'oh this is too much" but now i start to see how right he is - we DID start off all wrong

the other side of it is that it doesn't change what he's doing and how he's going about it. but the fact of the matter is, that i'm the type of person that NEEDS to be completely honest and up front about whatever it is that i have realized as my part in this.

i've owned a lot, but have remained resistant to deeper things that i haven't wanted to face.

like my own decisions for entering this relationship - my own state of mind back at that time when i agreed to keep the baby. it is hard for me to admit all these months and years, that they were my decisions. h might have told me a lot and insisted that we couldn't have an abortion (it felt like a HUGE amount of pressure to me that i caved to, at the time). in some ways i saw it as him trying to hold on to me also if i kept the baby. i had in all essence walked away from him after the affair. on th either hand i was clinging to him as an emotional refuge to avoid really facing the pain of the divorce

i have , in a cowardly fashion, always held that against him - it came up a lot in the first years - i was never willing to face the fact that I had agreed to it. in my mind i saw it that he made me - and now, i see so clearly how weak and lost i was then, in the throes of the divorce and the affair with h. that i hadn't been capable of making any good decisions for myself, and it affected so deeply what happened after we moved here.

on the other hand, i do believe i was willing to make a sincere effort, but when right off from the start h didn't act as i thought a husband and new father should act i became resentful and scared. scared that i had made the wrong decision and uprooted my life and taken this risk - the morning after we arrived to the states - he just walked out the door without a word to go to uni and i never even knew he had left the house. he didn't come back until almost 7 in the evening - no phone, i didn't know a soul and i had a 4 mo. old and had woken up in a place i'd never been to, in a different country.

that one experience really freaked me out - and my asking him never to do that again - set the stage for his resistance - how dare i question his freedom to come and go, and everything was seen through that lens. i stifled him?

oh well, back to my original thoughts- about admitting fully to h , my part in what really happened and finally validating his feelings about it.

any thoughts or opinions on that?

this is NOT a strategy - i'm really beginning to see that i can't go back to that relationship as it was - i want no part of it, either for him or me - i just need to do this as part of the moving on - that i have left him in my mind sure in the fact that i own all my stuff and understand much more now how my decisions were my decisions and i wasn't willing to accept i made them.

i've had some strange experiences today - that really helped me take steps towards myself. one of them resulted in my becoming so keenly aware, that all this love that i want to give to h, which is unwanted by him right now - i need to direct towards MYSELF. I need that love much much more than anyone else does right now. it's so unlimited, love that is, that there will be plenty to go around when needed. but for now - i desperately need that love for myself - it's not for giving to anyone else right now.

the other realization - and this was after a harrowing 2 hours on the phone with the credit card company - when i was so sure i was right - BASED ON the facts i had - and it turned out , because someone hadn't given me some facts and had done this really goofy thing, i was thinking i was right when i really wasn't.

i couldn't help applying that as an analogy to my current sitch.( i spent over 6 hrs altogether on the phone - what a waste because no one bothered to point out something simple - they were trying to, but the way they kept saying it didn't make any sense to me - none that i could get. and so the same with this sitch - there are things i don't know and i can keep staying cooked up about what i think is wrong, when i don't even have all the facts -and land up wasting a lot of time. or i can keep moving forward and wait for the real facts without trying to do anything about it and trust that the situation is perfectly right for now.

zig