looking for hope

[jc180]

Sorry for not posting in a while. Things have been changing quickly here. I started my new job and my son is being taken care of by his grandparent until we find a daycare.

First off things with the wife are going great. I really believe the 180 made a big difference. It let her know that I was moving forward and the changes I made during our marriage were not just attempt to patch things up. They were real changes that I made not for her but for myself. She was impressed that I never gave up on my marriage even though I moved forward with the divorce.

One thing that is very clear in hindsight is the rule about not believing anything you hear and only half of what you see. In talking about our separation we both revealed to each other what we were feeling during those times and what was our motivation. Well of course what the other person heard and saw was not the full story. During the past few weeks before our new reconciliation she confessed to me that she missed me terribly and she felt she wanted to explore those feeling because we have a son together. From her point of view I was being overly aggressive through my attorney. I had the same opinion of her actions and we discussed why we acted in those ways. I think a lot of it was hurt feelings and just doing what our attorneys thought was best. Because court is adversarial and our lawyers only wanted to do a good job we both were left with the feeling that the other was being "mean." Now that feeling only extended to our individual matters. When it came to our son we were always on the same page and we both knew it was in his best interested to see us equally.

As far as me acknowledging that she is a bad person. I think that was a combination of my hurt feelings and my interpretation of her actions. In this process I am truly trying my best not to let my reconciliation cloud my mind. I am really wanting to see things from both points of view and to make sound analysis of what we did and how we acted. I will say that yes I do believe her behavior at that time was bad. But so was mine. I did act out even though I tried my best to follow the 180. In hindsight I know that without the DR book, the 180 list, and this sight I would have made things a whole lot worse. It seems less like making things better and more like managing the damage. I see it like a wall that is collapsing on me. I cant fix the wall until I first stop it from falling down on me.

We are trying to take it slow. But what does that mean? Sometimes it is hard to tell. I think for me it means not to be so demanding of her emotions. In my heart I want her to love me unconditionally and to fulfill my every need. If I treat her that way it will only drive her away. I know that if I keep being the man I want to be it will encourage that behavior from her naturally.

For the first time ever she is really letting me know what she is feeling. She was the type of person that walled things up inside. She still is but she knows that is not the way to move forward now. I give her lots credit for trying. She is really giving me feedback that I need. Right now we both know that the future is not going to be fantastic all the time. We talked about what we learned in MC so long ago. Even though at the time she was not engaged in MC we can still look back and discuss what was talked about. We do have plans on going back to MC but right now our schedules are uncertain. I think in a month we will be more settled.

I will try to post more often. To everyone who is or was in the same predicament as me my advise is to keep calm and GAL. And pray. God really did change me and I think that is what ultimately bought my family back together.