How many licks does it take...?

[bustorama]

That is GREAT news about the boys and about your progress with the real estate classes. What's the time table for the licensing exam? The trip sounds nice too. I could use a trip.

Many months into our sitch, my WAS/BS also called me to rescue her from a car accident in which some of our kids also were in the car. Many of your emotional reactions to the situation are similar to some of my (unhealthy) ones at the time.

I read that you felt jealous or, really at its core, rejected that your W seemed to reach out to and open up more to this relative stranger (hugging and sobbing with mom of S14's friend) and appeared to be less intimate with you.

We continue the ride home in silence.

Once we got home, I made sure she was ok, suggested she take a couple of advil in case she suffered any strain from the accident and called in the claim to the insurance company.

All the while thoughts are racing through my head like, does she not see the signs all around her that her life is falling to pieces and God or the universe is trying to send her a message to stop and think about what she is doing. Or, how long does she think she will be able to rely on me to bail her out when she is in a jam.

Resentful that she called on you to be the hero/rescuer (AGAIN) when it was convenient for her, but nothing else followed in terms of sustained connection, "sufficient" appreciation or emotional reciprocity. Resentful that no lightbulb went off for her re: how crazy her life was becoming and how you were the rescuing backbone keeping her life from falling like a house of cards -- all because you love her.

Many of these emotions come from implicit expectations of co-dependence. A subconscious belief that your behavior can influence (control/manipulate) your W's emotions, feelings, world view and actions (especially in regards to you).

If I do X (enough), my W/WAS will Y.

You wouldn't be RESENTFUL if you didn't have some expectation about how things "should" go (she "should" have gotten to the center by now with all these licks and me waiting lovingly for her to "get it," being her rescuer and friend in need).

And when Y doesn't happen, all sorts of negative emotions follow (resentment, hurt, jealousy).

The thing is, as I think you are getting with enough licks, YOU are doing this to yourself, not your W. She is not holding a gun to your head to pick her up after the car wreck, to call the insurance company for her, to prescribe Advil for her, to care for her after her medical crisis, to empty her trash, to be her rescuer/caregivier/fixer.

Lovingly remove yourself from the picture. And when you DO interact with her, be detached so that you do not go to reproachful resentment or silence or fixing ("maybe you should change medications"). Instead meet her with validating acceptance ("Yeah, that must be hard not feeling the same since your medical crisis. I imagine that must be hard for you to feel that way, W.". And then get back out of there to your own life.

It is ok to drop the rope and let her fall. Get out of your own way and maybe she will "get it." And, if not, at least you will have gotten it

Being concrete, in what ways might you have handled the car wreck situation differently?