Rollercoaster - Am I tall enough for this ride?

[RoRoinMD]

Ro...I did NOT mean to express that the affiar was in anyway your fault...

it is NOT

that was his choice and his alone

I meant that you should consider her an nonentity because she is nothing really...she is simply an excuse

I do not believe he loves her but if he pulls away from her he has to admit his own mistakes and is he willing to do that?

by giving her an actual MEANING, you are givng her more importance than she deserves

you are above her and treat her and the situation as such

it is NOT a competiton between you and this other person

you are married to him
and
until he divorces you, you are his wife

use that
know that
believe that

when you start giving her power over that, he believes it and so does she


maybe simply requesting that he stop speaking to her for 6 months...I mean if they are in love, surely 6 months to spend workng with you, remembering why he married you etc is not too much to ask...they will have their whole lives together and then use those 6 months being the person you want to be and the person he fell in love with


you have a great start on that already

and

remember

he hasn't seen her since February

but he has seen you
he has been living with you
enjoying you

Hey fig. Your posts are always to the point. LOL

I will think about the 6 months thing. In theory it sounds like a good idea, but needs to be discussed at the right time. Maybe now is a good time or maybe not.

Him living here has not been easy but I know what you mean. We had a great weekend, with some surprises that could really affect where we go from here. So I'm just waiting to see how it all plays out.

[jks]

This scares me to think that my R may be headed in this direction. You are so strong to be doing this. I know how hard this is to live with knowing your H has someone else and won't give you the answers you're needing.

It's one thing to know your H has had a PA/EA but its another for him to continue it and continue a M with you. I don't have to deal with my H on a daily basis like you, so I seriously commend you for keeping it together. You are a tough cookie!!

I love your humor throughout your posts. It's good to see you make light of your sitch through the troubling times.

[RoRoinMD]

This scares me to think that my R may be headed in this direction. You are so strong to be doing this. I know how hard this is to live with knowing your H has someone else and won't give you the answers you're needing.

It's one thing to know your H has had a PA/EA but its another for him to continue it and continue a M with you. I don't have to deal with my H on a daily basis like you, so I seriously commend you for keeping it together. You are a tough cookie!!

I love your humor throughout your posts. It's good to see you make light of your sitch through the troubling times.

Jks, thanks for stopping by!

Actually, my H typically answers any question I ask him about OW. Whether its the truth or not is another discussion. LOL I don't feel strong. Half the time I feel crazy, but I keep going. Mainly because of be great support I get here and another group I belong to.

I need to go read and catch up on your sitch. Just keep going. This is for you as much as it might save your marriage.

[labug]

So I asked H why he pulled his phone out when I was talking to him last night. He says he was "checking to see if SS had called" since he had called/texted him earlier. Um. Right at that precise moment? Ok?

What were you feeling when he pulled the phone out?

I was actually thinking he was scrolling through his phone to see how many times he had talked to her. He thinks I still check phone records, when I haven't done that in months.

Then I asked him why he called OW to tell her to stop posting to FB. I said to me, it seemed like yet another excuse for them to be in contact. And that I didn't want it to look like I was making him do it (even though that's what I want to do).

What did you want him to do when you brought up OW posting to SS FB?

I knew he had told her not to respond to anything he was tagged in. I asked him if SS was included in that. I had already told him that I did not appreciate her responding to everything SS posted. I know she was doing it on purpose. (from a Twitter post to me from her)

He said "Its not about excuses. You expressed that you did not like her posting to SS' FB page so I told her not to do it." I asked, "So she does whatever you say?". He says no. I said so what did she say? He said she just said Ok and sorry. I just said Wow and walked out of the room.

This is where I'm really confused.

Help me understand this.

What did you not understand? My response or his? I said Wow because we were sitting there having a conversation about this like it was regular conversation. The way he responded was one of only a few times where my feelings have been taken into consideration during this whole thing.

I had to read this a few times.

In the first post it sounded to me like you were pi$$ed that he had tried to do what he thought you wanted him to do. The written word, it's difficult when there's no inflection.

The last part sounds good.

I guess it was one of those "you had to be there" conversations.

[RoRoinMD]

Labug, you know me too well. LOL

I was irritated. If he's talking to her every day obviously she knows about our everyday life and the conversations we have. I don't want it to look like I'm making him do anything, like I'm running to dad being a tattle tale (which I'm sure is what he'll tell her, when I actually just mentioned it and didn't ask him to do anything). And I'm going to say something very anti-DB right here: Especially when he should have already handled this on his own the very first time I mentioned it. *And we're back...moving on LOL*

I will admit I took his response to mean he was tired of having to tell her this kind of stuff. Of maybe he is tired of me asking about it.

Probably a little of both.

[RoRoinMD]

Journaling…Just typed this long post and it disappeared. GRRR!

This weekend was full of emotion: joy, excitement, some sadness, and even some surprises.

H and I arrived in NC early Friday evening. We just hung out at the house with my in-laws and got things ready for the graduation party. My SS’ graduation was great as was the party afterwards. Both sides of his family were there and getting along, so it was great. (We really don’t have any issues, and I really like his mom, so that helps)

Now for the surprise: Apparently H's dad showed up at my in-laws’ house while we were at graduation. He just happened to show up. He didn't know this was SS's graduation weekend. Told H's uncle who was at the house grilling food for the party that he came to get H's contact information because he had "misplaced" it. Left his number for H to call him. H didn't look happy when he found out, but did call his dad. He said all he planned to say was that he needed to step up and so something good for his grandson this weekend. He didn't answer so H left a message. He actually called him Pops in the message. He started calling him by his first name after their issue a few years ago. I asked him if he was okay, and he said yeah, but couldn't talk about it right now. I said I'd be here when he was ready.

H’s dad calls back and he misses the call. Left a message saying he was traveling and would call him back. H finally talks to him late Saturday night. H’s dad says he’s now living in Richmond, VA. That he had lots to tell H, and that the reason he hadn’t been in contact with him was mostly work related. He also to H that he had a new stepmother (#3 according to H). H talked to her for a few minutes, and she mentioned something about God. Now H’s dad is in now war religious, so H was taken aback by it. LOL His dad said he would send directions to their house and we could stop by on our way back home if we wanted to.

I asked H how he felt about the conversation. He said he was glad to talk to him. I asked if they had talked about their issue. He said no; that it had been such a good weekend, and so emotional that he didn’t want to ruin it by bringing it up. Said he wasn’t sure he was ready to go by the house yet. I said I understood and thought they needed some time alone together before everyone met up again. H did get the email where his dad told him he was very glad to talk to him again, and that he had been working overseas in a war zone since early 2011.

History: H loves his dad. His dad is as wishy washy as they come. (My dad is too, so I know them when I spot them). But H idolized his dad. His dad would make promises to do things, and they would never happen. H would always forgive him, and act like nothing happened. Well, one big thing was promised, and H’s dad didn’t follow through. It caused us a major financial setback. H declared then and there that he was through with his dad. They haven’t talked in about 2 years.

I believe H not having his dad in his life is playing a major part in what is going on with us. Right after H stopped talking to his dad, he changed. I think that’s when the depression started, and what may have led him to the “I don’t know who I am” phase. Not sure how his dad coming back is going to play out in all of this. Could be good or bad. Just sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching…

Also, one of H's favorite great-aunts is dying of heart failure. He went to see her in the nursing home yesterday before we left. Afterwards, we were sitting in the living room, watching TV, and he jumped up to go into the bedroom. I figured he went in to text someone or something. No, he's in the room crying his eyes out. I ask what is wrong, thinking it's about his dad. He tells me he just hates seeing his aunt like that. I validated his feelings, rubbed his back, and told him to let it out. I told him to think about the good times and that he had gotten to see her before anything happened. I think it was a mix of seeing his only child graduate, having his dad pop up, and now this with his aunt. H rarely shows emotion anymore, so when he does, it's like an tidal wave.

I have my call with Cheryl today at 6pm. Looking forward to it. Maybe she will give me some clues on what to do next. Because I surely don’t know. LOL

[RoRoinMD]

Had my call with Cheryl yesterday evening. I gave her a rundown on what's been going on since I talked to her in March. Told her in the beginning I did not want to do the whole “be his girlfriend” thing, so I just did it so I could tell her that it didn’t work. LOL She said whatever my motivation was, she was glad I did it.

She thinks that H is no longer running from me, but that he's running to me. (I'm not so sure about this) She thinks H is holding on to what she called the last little string in OW, and that every time I bring her up, OW wins. She says H is going to go where it’s nice to be. Right now, it’s easier to stay than to go.

Her #1 assignment for me: Keep up what I’m doing. She thinks H and I are rediscovering each other and that’s what we stopped doing and how we ended up where we are.

I told her I sometimes see H’s face change when we are talking or having some sort of fun. She says it’s because he’s still very skeptical and finds himself getting sucked in.

I told her I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore and just live. She says it’s a great time to learn to just be. She told me I’ve had an appreciation adjustment.

She told me not to mention H moving out. She said talk is cheap. If he really wanted to leave he would have by now. I told her he doesn’t have the money to move out. She says he could always go sleep on a friend’s couch, which is true.

We talked quite a bit about him still talking to OW. She does not think this is a big deal. She thinks he’s a people pleaser and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. She says he doesn’t like to displease anyone which is true.

She says I know H is not sleeping with OW, and the crazier she gets, the likelihood is that he will pull out of the conversations with her. She says OW can’t lie next to him, and I can SO take advantage of that.

She also pointed out that it was okay for me to have a pissy night every now and then. But make the togetherness (us spending time together) a routine.

She also mentioned that my “strength” is being used in a different way. That my strength before was loud, and maybe even bullying. (This caught me off guard…but it is true. ) She says I’m using my strength in a softer way.

She lastly encouraged me to finish How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, which I intend to do.

I feel mostly okay about where I am. She sees progress where I really don't, and I told her so. I said I still feel like I need to be "doing" something. She told me I had been "doing" something and that's why I am where I am. She actually said she wished more calls were like mine. I started to ask if it was because she liked hanging with crazy, but I didn't.

Once I got home last night, I pulled tonight's together and threw it in the oven. By the time I finished, my back was killing me. H offered to rub some Biofreeze on my back, and then I took some meds and went to bed. This morning when I got up, H told me he had stayed up last night to make sure I actually got some sleep. Said I kept tossing and turning. Kinda made me feel weird (who watches people sleep?), but I did tell him I appreciated it later in a text message.

Anyway, guess I'll just keep swimming! Hope you all are having a great day.

[jks]

Great inspiration. I think you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Like I said before, you look like me possibly 6 months from now. I very much could be in this situation. Thank you for sharing! It helps us all a lot!

[vera be fierce]

She said talk is cheap.

Ah, I can totally hear her saying this

I also recommend that you finish reading the book! It was really helpful for me.

Swim on, RoRo!

[RoRoinMD]

She said talk is cheap.

Ah, I can totally hear her saying this

I also recommend that you finish reading the book! It was really helpful for me.

Swim on, RoRo!

Yeah she told me the book is heavy (which I already knew from reading the first couple of chapters), so just to take my time and read it.