I'm just so tired of making all this effort to cultivate a friendship with H and see little to no reciprocation. Maybe H just is that crappy of a friend. Whatever the case may be, I'm not going to make room in my life for any one-sided relationships. I'm just done with this roller coaster. It's time to get off the ride, to step back and just see what happens.
Hi Lost, I've just read a bit on your sitch and wanted to comment. I don't know if you're read a lot about pursuit and distance, there'a a lot of good link on the board about it. But basically you need to stop making the effort for a few reasons but mainly for your own emotional health. IE if you're not putting yourself out there then you can't be hurt if he doesn't respond how you want.
My IC told me when I was going on and on about what H doesn't do she said maybe you don't give him the chance. I remember clearly 4 days after he moved out, he'd made plans to come over and spend time with us. IC had told me to just leave him alone, give him space, and see if he'd come to me. This was before I found the board and before I'd read DR and the idea was SCARY because of my neediness and control issues. Sure enough he did make plans. Then the day came and I hadn't heard from him, I didn't know what time he was even coming over and I was nervous and anxious and then angry. I told myself NOT to contact him and as soon as I made that decision he texted and said be at yours in 20 mins? If I had contacted him I would have always wondered if he had remembered or not, if he wanted to or not etc. It was the first of very very small moments.
And trust me when you detach and you stop pursuing they will notice. Just today I was thinking how are we even having a friendship. But last week he texted me out the blue about an important occasion in my professional life and today for no reason with a little joke. In between then I've heard from once, he made plans, came over, did some gardening and left. But how much better do I feel that this was all initiated BY him not me.
And everytime he texts or make plans it's because he's making a concious decision to spend time with me. You have to give them that space so that they'll miss you.
Also I think that when we do too much like at the birthday they can react badly because they feel guilty. Here you are being so nice and lovely and doing things that you the two of you used to do together and meanwhile they have ended the M.
Going dim/dark and detaching will be good for you mentally and for your friendship. You want him to initiate the contact and to miss you. And he can't do that if you're always there.
Also my IC told me that men are sometimes like rubber bands they can have a spell of being all over you and then stretch far away and then come back. She said that sometimes they need to go away and think about things.
I just realized that when I was "doing to much" to cultivate the friendship that everytime he saw a text from me or something he might be like what does she want now? And that's not how I want him to feel when I contact him.
