Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

I haven't been around much. I'm still somewhat stuck in this funk. Maybe it's the weather here, I don't know.

Since the whole fiasco with H's birthday my feelings are starting to change. I don't know if it's that I've come to a point of reaching true detachment or that I'm giving up. I'm just so tired of making all this effort to cultivate a friendship with H and see little to no reciprocation. Maybe H just is that crappy of a friend. Whatever the case may be, I'm not going to make room in my life for any one-sided relationships. I'm just done with this roller coaster. It's time to get off the ride, to step back and just see what happens.

Since then, I've limited all communication with H to things regarding D. I just don't have the energy for anything more. It wasn't a concious descision to go dark, it just sort of happened. Even the energy to act as if has gone out the window.

My wedding anniversary was on friday. Perhaps that's what has got me so down lately - just the anticipation of what I've known was going to be a hard day. I know I should've planned to fill my day and evening with GAL activities, but I didn't. I just. did. not. feel. like. it. Which is ok anyway, because without even thinking about anything regarding my M or separation, the tears just kept coming.

It didn't help matters that my realtor kept calling me all morning about about a couple who had been to the house for three showings last week had narrowed their search to ours & another house & were expected to make a descision that day. I just kept thinking, "No, God. Not today, please?" I kept thinking that it would have to be some sort of cosmic joke to have to sit through my realtor presenting an offer and negotiating a sale on my wedding anniversary. It didn't happen. Thank you, God. I don't think I would have been able to do it. Sometimes my prayers do work out the way I ask...

Then H caught me off guard that afternoon with a text saying that he would be coming by within the hour to mow the lawn. He usually does this on saturday mornings so I was a bit confused, I really didn't want to see him. I asked him why he was coming over on a friday to do it & he said that the weather forecast was for rain so he wanted to get it done while he could. I don't know what forecast he was checking, there was only a 30% POP in the ones I checked.

A few weeks ago I was contemplating what to do, if anything, for H on our anniversary. Thank you to those who chimed in. I didn't bother with a card or gift. Later that evening I sent H a text saying, "although there's nothing to celebrate, I don't want the day to go by without acknowledging it. Because it's not meaningless. Happy June 8th."

He responded by saying, "You too and you're right. But it's not necessarily happy." It's the first time since he's left that he's shown any indication that our situation hurts him too.

Of course, my feelings are subject to change at any given time. But at this point I think I may have dropped the rope. I'm just too tired to keep putting the same effort into it as I have been. Of course I'd love to see my M work out. But if it doesn't, I'm ok with that too.