GWN, my H said that when he was home he felt suicidal, apparently for years, but hasn't said that he does now. It seems he's busy medicating himself with other women. That is extremely painful for me and the boys. In fact, the last time S12 was with him he found women's sunglasses in his car. It hurt him a great deal and it was the first thing he told me and S15 when he got home. It's so hard to hear stuff like that, but I know the boys have to be able to tell me when they are upset even when it involves OW.
Snodderly, I was doing well with bagging the R talk for awhile, but just felt absolutely defeated yesterday and wanted relief from all of this pain. I so desperately want to be able to tell the boys that their dad is coming home. My H has been gone over six months and has filed for D. I have seldom initiated contact with him, keeping it to return calls and emails as needed. That hasn't worked. While I was reading The Broken American Male (I highly recommend to everyone as I think it's the prelude to MLC in many cases) I realized that my H needs to be needed and appreciated. Feeling strongly about that, what do I do now? I just don't think NC will work. For many, maybe most, it seems to draw the WS toward them, but that hasn't worked for me. I don't know for sure, but as I watch the dynamics between my H and the boys I notice that when they've rejected him, after awhile of trying, my H just seems to go away until the boys initiate contact. I've known my H to be like that. His body language over the years has shown dejection - hands in pockets, slumped shoulders. I believe this is how he feels about himself due to childhood trauma, not because of something that may have happened in the present day. If there was ever a man who needed love, healing and total exceptance, it is my H. It wasn't until after he left and I started doing all of the reading and research that I started to really see the hurting man behind the husband and father. I know I can't fix him, but what CAN I do? Since NC doesn't seem to be the answer, do I start calling regularly, keeping it brief, just to say hi, thank him for working hard for us, see how his day is going, etc. We used to make those calls to each other throughout the day. I notice that he picks up the phone right away, unless he's in a meeting, when I call. So, does he really want to hear from me? I would have thought that he would have avoided me, especially since he tells the boys that he didn't leave them, he left me because he didn't want to be around me. I don't believe this at all. We were still spending time together, sleeping in the same bed, etc. until he left. Something else, I know that when his first wife filed for D (short marriage to college GF) there was a point when my H called her and asked her to join him in his new city and start over. She said no and he told me that he just moved on. He didn't try to win her back or fight for the marriage. I think he's so use to people rejecting him, and rejecting himself, that he gives up easily, believing there is no hope so why bother. My H, especially when feeling depressed, is very pessimistic and sees everything as hopeless. That's why he believes that if he comes home things might be OK for awhile but eventually they will be the same. What I realize is that he's afraid he will be depressed and suicidal again, but this doesn't have anything to do with our marriage. It's him. He gets bored easily, always wanting to try something new, visit new places (doesn't like to vacation at the same place twice or stay any one place very long). I believe he craves euphoria to keep the depression at bay. Does my assessment make sense. How do I reach him? I feel compelled to try something different, even though I do believe that God is in charge. I pray daily for patience and compassion as he works on my H.
