from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

OK, so I have copied and pasted my other posts. In case everything gets mixed up, I'm going to give a quick break down to bring you up to speed...

May-went dark, internaly frantic as Brit noticed. I think I cried every day and would just pray to God for peace

May-ironicly going dark is pulling him back, 180s are working, and I'm torn between my heart and my head

May-seriously GALing. I did the relay for life (huge goal of mine!), attending church, volunteering, finding and loving myself

June-H is seriously complimenting me and trying to come around. I'm still conflicted. He's flip flopping more than I am! Admits he is unhappy and wants his family back (never says me or M) and yet files for D 3 days later

This entire time I'm dark, doing 180s, completly folling the book like a pro. Didn't even get over excited when he started opening up. That was about a week ago.
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So we are meeting today to do the D2,D3 swap. H, thinking I will be downtown at night (huge 180) has turned this swap into sort of a date thing. Text convo:

H- that's far, how about meeting at Mc Donald's off of Nevada?
M- sounds great, I'll meet you there around 7:30 (ending text convo)
H- (starting text convo)Maybee you culd get some hamburgers while you're there
M- lol, ok
H- for real??
M- who says no to a hamburger?
H- ;)can't wait
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so then later I was having second thoughts, my mind was screaming NO!!! This man has not changed. Remember, I was the WAS, and for good reasons. Thank goodness I never contacted him. Mind you, I just got served my D papers a few days ago! For some reason it doesn't scare me that he filled. Hell, he saved me time and $. I owe him a thank you (but won't, lol). I'm not even bring it up that he filled. Acting like it doesn't phas me, bc really it doesnt.

Yesterday afternoon, still conflicted, I went out and treated myself. I got a new beautiful maxi dress and got my hair cut. Not for him, but for ME. Granted, OW is not girly, and I know he misses that factor. But it was for me, because I deserve it.

Granted, I will be wearing it when I see him tonight. But I (honestly) found myself again. I am that beautiful happy girl he asked to marry. Perhaps it will wake him up, but being me again is for me.
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Holly hell guys, I have gone through so many emotions. feeling bi polar reading my posts? lol. I thought I was but my T said it's normal, it's my heart fighting with my head, which has been so obvious.

So what's the plan? Love the hell out of myself. H has a lot of maturing and growing to do, and I'm not getting in the way of that. If it causes him to grow into a man that wants to be my husband, awesome. If not, D2 and D3 have pretty awesome parents who are still comitted to working together to co parent and love them.

I see it as a win-win no matter how this thing turns out. I'm showing up tonight as my beautiful, happy serene self. No pressure, it will be just like seeing an old childhood neighbor.

Sry this was so long! But you hung in there, lol
will update tomorrow and let you know how it went <3