So much to say, So little room

[AJM]

It's all just bottled up anymore and I don't want it there.

Exactly what I was seeing And exactly the right starting point. Did you think you could go through this and NOT feel anything? The therapist is the right idea. Not about the marriage, but about you and getting those feelings out. Find one that will focus on you and you alone where you can safely and wholly get somebody to listen. Your feelings of lack of control in your life and dealing with repressed feelings need to be dealt with. Until you do, you cannot be free to be you completely.

I want to feel human again, not in a partnership way, but as a person. For two years my W avoided eye contact with me 85% of the time or more. Now that she doesn't come home at all except to get clothes until she moves out in a week, I can't stand to look at her. I'm avoiding looking at her, because I can't stand her avoiding looking at me when she see's me look at her.

Been there. Done that. Know what I finally decided? This is her choice. I am NOT going to live my life that way. I don't with anyone else and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not perfect, but I didn't make this choice (think of lack of control because it feeds into the next part...) Let go of the control of things outside yourself. It's killing you and you will look back one day and not believe you wasted your time worrying about things you couldn't control.

I'm just full of pent up energy. I want to get stuff for the house, get rolling on projects or cleaning, just anything. I can't even buy groceries because I don't want to stock up on stuff only for half of it to be gone when I come back after she moves out. I don't want her to see anything I'm doing because it's my life and I'm tired of her thinking everything I'm doing is for her. I don't want her to take anything of me away anymore.

Ah yes, limbo. What fun. I lived like that for better than 2 years. It sucked. But it ended. I actually felt guilty when she left because I was happy about it. Seemed twisted at the time, but looking back it makes a lot of sense. I let her be my jailer. Or rather, I personified my jailer as being her. Reality is, it was all in my own head. I could have left at any time. I could have made other choices. I'm glad I didn't, but at the time it really sucked.

I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I'm not a social butterfly so I'm constantly looking to put one foot forward and breach my comfort zone.

The suggestions about meetup.com are a good one. In my town they are very active. But really, I think the change from your "norm" are really important. Doing the same things will result in the same results. Change something. Try something different and evaluate if you like it or not. If you do, continue. If you don't, try something else. Systematically works for me, but figure out how it works for you. You need to create new memories and new patterns that do not include your W. So the challenge is to "GAL" or rather, create new parts of your life where you used to include your W. I think you'll find it very therapeutic for now. You can always change again and evaluate if you like what you're doing or not.

As for the rest. Realize that you cannot control your W or her feelings. They are her feelings. You have yours. You both see things differently and act on those things differently. You can control you and it's time you take charge of those feelings and deal with them honestly. Take responsibility for your actions and what you did to bring about the end of the marriage. Take nothing more. Realize that she has to take her journey and you have to take yours. This current situation will end sooner than you think. But don't waste another moment not making peace with the feelings that are coming up as things change. There will be more and you need to accept and clear your plate of the existing issues and feelings. The therapist should help with that.

You are not crazy or different in the sense that you have these feelings. We all go through it. We face our fears the idea that what we thought is not what is at this point.

Will she admit the OM? How about you assume there is one and stop worrying about it. Worry will wear you out. You could be wrong, but you could be right. Pick one and put it behind you. Then move on to the next issue. Keep going.

Face the fears. Deal with them. Unravel them one at a time until they hold no more power over you.

One step and one issue at a time and before you know it, you'll be better than when you started. Continuous improvement.

Peace,

AJ