So how many licks does it take? Lick one was when my W fell critically ill back in February. Lick 2 occurred when she ran a red light the other day and t-boned another car. Thankfully no one was injured. Lick 3...?
In my last thread I mentioned that I over-heard my W sobbing in the bathroom last week for reasons unknown. This week while on a baseball reconnaissance mission with S10's baseball team I get a call from my W asking if I can come get her, shes been is an accident after having run a red light! I think to myself, could things get any more insane around here?!
I arrive on the scene just as S14's friend and his mother are pulling up. Apparently W was taking S14 to his friends house for a sleepover. Oh, BTW she was supposed to have been at some dance jam exercise class but apparently bailed at the last minute and now we have a car that is totaled!
So W walks up to greet the friends mother, gives her a hug and immediately starts crying her eyes out. After she composes herself, we send S14 on his way, get some valuables out of the wrecked car and head for home.
Once we were on our way, W begins to cry again. Then she says ever since her illness, she can't think straight. We continue the ride home in silence. All the while thoughts are racing through my head like, does she not see the signs all around her that her life is falling to pieces and God or the universe is trying to send her a message to stop and think about what she is doing. Or, how long does she think she will be able to rely on me to bail her out when she is in a jam. Needless to say biting my tongue was very difficult.
This was the second time in 3 years that she wrecked her car. She also damaged my car the year before that. And I remember at the time her saying, don't say a word to me about the damage to my car, before I even had a chance to examine it. I remember being more angry at her for telling me how I should react then the actual damage to the car. Now here I an at car wreck #3 and I'm doing everything in my power to keep my mouth shut!
Once we got home, I made sure she was ok, suggested she take a couple of advil in case she suffered any strain from the accident and called in the claim to the insurance company. As I was leaving, she thanked me for picking her up. And with that I was on my way. I was gone no more than 2 minutes when she sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry, I know we don't need this." I just ignored the text and went to my place.
I have committed to myself that I am not going to do any more to rescue her. She can figure out how she is going to arrange for transportation. She can fight with the insurance company over repairs, etc. I'm not going to rescue her anymore.
In fact, I think this is probably the catalyst that is going to get me moving in terms of getting out of this limbo I'm in. It is obvious she relies on me when it is convenient for her and then gets angry at me when I try to help in other areas, as if it is an affront to her independence or a judgment on her ability to do things for herself. And since she is showing ZERO signs of wanting to work on the M, I think I'm just about ready to drop the rope or whatever it will take to move me on down the road. I'm also tired of protecting her reputation in our community by keeping our separation quiet, all the while potentially damaging my own reputation with others who know about our sitch and may have come to erroneous conclusions because I moved out of the house.
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So what am I doing for me? Well first of all as I think I mentioned in previous posts, I have begun taking real estate classes with the goal of obtaining a license to sell real estate. It has always been my passion and I now have 3 of 7 required classes already under my belt. I have found the classroom setting to be intellectually stimulating and I'm learning things that I know will help me be successful in the future. I'm also planning a business/pleasure trip in a few weeks and am looking forward to the down time.
S10's baseball team came in first place in their Zone playoff's this week and they will be advancing to the city playoff's next week. I am so proud of him and am really excited to watch him and his team compete for the city title!
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W sent me a text out of the blue today about S14 and his job refereeing paintball over the weekends. He has been working both Saturday and Sunday which gives me little time to spend with him. Anyway, her text was to inform me that S14 had worked out an alternating schedule so that every other Sunday he will take the day off and go with me and his brother to church. This make me very happy. And I don't know if this was something he decided he wanted to do on his own or if W put him up to it. No matter I suppose, I'm just glad we can spend that time with each other.
So back to my question. How many licks does it take? Any wise owls out there who care to chime in?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2, In my relationship I was the fixer, the rescuer, the controller, an enabler. This is not the only destructive aspect of my failed relationship. It was a significant aspect and at the root cause of the failure. XW and I were cast firmly in our roles. I was involved too deeply to see it until it was too late.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
2tP, I really think that 90% of your problem is simple co-dependence. That is where I would focus your study, and your efforts.
JS & Starsky - I am in the process of exploring these ^^^ with my IC. Thanks for perspective and for sharing!
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
In my remaining relationships now I am attempting to wait until asked. When I can wait no longer I offer assistance and wait for it to be accepted.
This is a really great way of managing the control, rescue, enabler pattern. It is a hard habit to break, that's for sure! But I think it is a worthy endeavor.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2, sorry for all the bad luck. wrecks are so disruptive and time consuming. they're also an expense we never want.
small 2x4 for you in reading your post:
" Once we were on our way, W begins to cry again. Then she says ever since her illness, she can't think straight. We continue the ride home in silence."
your silence bespoke your anger. if she were a friend of yours, is this how you would have reacted? wouldn't you have offered sympathy and validated that friends feelings? anyone who has wrecked a car feels so badly. sure, she's brought a lot of her current problems to herself but maybe you have, too, with an unsympathetic mind?
"I was gone no more than 2 minutes when she sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry, I know we don't need this." I just ignored the text and went to my place."
again, she's reaching out to the person who is supposed to love her the most and you respond with anger. that's what no response tells her.
so, in my mind, she's getting anger from you and if i were her, i would pull away from someone's anger.
i know your state of limbo is hard to live with. i live with it, too. i'm trying to treat my H as i would treat a friend. if i want to keep a friend, i have to be one. i have to try to not think of how his actions are effecting me but think about what he's going through.
" It is obvious she relies on me when it is convenient for her and then gets angry at me when I try to help in other areas, as if it is an affront to her independence or a judgment on her ability to do things for herself."
this sounds, to me, as the effect controlling has on someone. they finally want to get away from it because it's the only way to get their own needs met without an argument.
try to take the focus off yourself when she reaches out.
just my opinion.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Letting go of control is so difficult. As I've said, I was such a controller that I didn't even realize I was doing it half the time. And I controlled not just with words but with attitude, inflection, tone, body language.
I reeked of it.
But then I woke up. I was lucky I had people say honestly to me, "That's controlling." Some of those are here on the board.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"Once we were on our way, W begins to cry again. Then she says ever since her illness, she can't think straight. We continue the ride home in silence."
your silence bespoke your anger. if she were a friend of yours, is this how you would have reacted? wouldn't you have offered sympathy and validated that friends feelings? anyone who has wrecked a car feels so badly. sure, she's brought a lot of her current problems to herself but maybe you have, too, with an unsympathetic mind?
"I was gone no more than 2 minutes when she sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry, I know we don't need this." I just ignored the text and went to my place."
again, she's reaching out to the person who is supposed to love her the most and you respond with anger. that's what no response tells her.
so, in my mind, she's getting anger from you and if i were her, i would pull away from someone's anger.
SS - thank you for sharing your perspective on this. One of the things I've been working on in our R is to not overreact to these type of triggering events. Perhaps I've swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction but I am trying to do what I think she would want. I wasn't seething although in the past I might have.
I should probably clarify a little. The drive home was mostly in silence but when she said she can't think clearly I offered that perhaps the medication she is taking is the cause of the trouble and that she should see her doctor about it. Agreed, I probably missed an opportunity to validate. Need to work on that!!
I do have to say though that I really don't view her as reaching out. She gave a hug and cried in the arms of a woman she doesn't know all that well (the friend of S14's mother). Note though that she didn't reach out for me for a hug, and I certainly would have given her one.
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
"It is obvious she relies on me when it is convenient for her and then gets angry at me when I try to help in other areas, as if it is an affront to her independence or a judgment on her ability to do things for herself."
this sounds, to me, as the effect controlling has on someone. they finally want to get away from it because it's the only way to get their own needs met without an argument.
try to take the focus off yourself when she reaches out.
I agree ^^^ that that is exactly how she sees it. But after a lot of reflection and research and advice on this, I've come to the conclusion that it is really more on her in terms of how she perceives my action. For example, If I'm cleaning off the kitchen counter and putting dishes in the dishwasher, I don't view that as controlling. My W however, interprets that as me saying she is a slob and is incapable of doing the work herself. So who owns that reaction, me or her?
But I get your point and see where you are going with it. Thanks again for the post.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I have committed to myself that I am not going to do any more to rescue her. She can figure out how she is going to arrange for transportation. She can fight with the insurance company over repairs, etc. I'm not going to rescue her anymore.
In fact, I think this is probably the catalyst that is going to get me moving in terms of getting out of this limbo I'm in. It is obvious she relies on me when it is convenient for her and then gets angry at me when I try to help in other areas, as if it is an affront to her independence or a judgment on her ability to do things for herself. And since she is showing ZERO signs of wanting to work on the M, I think I'm just about ready to drop the rope or whatever it will take to move me on down the road. I'm also tired of protecting her reputation in our community by keeping our separation quiet, all the while potentially damaging my own reputation with others who know about our sitch and may have come to erroneous conclusions because I moved out of the house.
I'm glad to hear this, 2tP, and I hope you'll stick to it. I do think that the call re: the insurance claim would've been the perfect place to start, but I guess there's no time like the present.
THREE car accidents is a bit odd. I'm glad she's okay, though.
