How many licks does it take...?

[2thepoint]

small 2x4 for you in reading your post:

"Once we were on our way, W begins to cry again. Then she says ever since her illness, she can't think straight. We continue the ride home in silence."

your silence bespoke your anger. if she were a friend of yours, is this how you would have reacted? wouldn't you have offered sympathy and validated that friends feelings? anyone who has wrecked a car feels so badly. sure, she's brought a lot of her current problems to herself but maybe you have, too, with an unsympathetic mind?

"I was gone no more than 2 minutes when she sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry, I know we don't need this." I just ignored the text and went to my place."

again, she's reaching out to the person who is supposed to love her the most and you respond with anger. that's what no response tells her.

so, in my mind, she's getting anger from you and if i were her, i would pull away from someone's anger.

SS - thank you for sharing your perspective on this. One of the things I've been working on in our R is to not overreact to these type of triggering events. Perhaps I've swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction but I am trying to do what I think she would want. I wasn't seething although in the past I might have.

I should probably clarify a little. The drive home was mostly in silence but when she said she can't think clearly I offered that perhaps the medication she is taking is the cause of the trouble and that she should see her doctor about it. Agreed, I probably missed an opportunity to validate. Need to work on that!!

I do have to say though that I really don't view her as reaching out. She gave a hug and cried in the arms of a woman she doesn't know all that well (the friend of S14's mother). Note though that she didn't reach out for me for a hug, and I certainly would have given her one.

"It is obvious she relies on me when it is convenient for her and then gets angry at me when I try to help in other areas, as if it is an affront to her independence or a judgment on her ability to do things for herself."

this sounds, to me, as the effect controlling has on someone. they finally want to get away from it because it's the only way to get their own needs met without an argument.

try to take the focus off yourself when she reaches out.

I agree ^^^ that that is exactly how she sees it. But after a lot of reflection and research and advice on this, I've come to the conclusion that it is really more on her in terms of how she perceives my action. For example, If I'm cleaning off the kitchen counter and putting dishes in the dishwasher, I don't view that as controlling. My W however, interprets that as me saying she is a slob and is incapable of doing the work herself. So who owns that reaction, me or her?

But I get your point and see where you are going with it. Thanks again for the post.