golf mom, You will need to make your home a "safe place" for him to come. That means no begging, pleading or discussing your relationship w/him. Keep the conversations light and about the children. The less you make him feel guilty, the more likelihood it will be for him to want to come back there.
It has been suggested many times that when you know he's going to be around, to bake/cook something that he has always enjoyed. Why? You want to him to go away w/fond memories of what he's walked out on. Play some nice music, change some of the furniture and/or pictures around so that he can see that you are doing things and not sitting around waiting for him to return.
If he asks for your advice, give it to him, just as you would a friend. However, when they are in crisis, they do not want us to diagnose their ills or tell them that they need to seek out a therapist or tell them what they should or shouldn't do. In the early stages of the crisis, they know that something is wrong, but they can't put their finger on it, but as they move along, they will tell you that there is nothing wrong. However, at night, when they are alone, their minds tend to race and play over and over again what they have left behind and are doing. However, this doesn't mean that they want help at this time. They have to work through the dark depression before they will even begin to think about seeking assistance and then that is a big "if".
What do you do? You listen, treat him as you would an old friend that you haven't seen in a while. Love him unconditionally from afar and do not try to "guilt" him into returning home or doing things that you expect him to do as he once did pre-crisis. But most importantly, turn the wheel of the bus over to God and allow him to drive it for a while. God has a lot of work to do and he can't do it if we continue to press home what they should or shouldn't be doing.
Golf mom, once you have been on the bus a while longer, you'll have a better understanding of what is going on. Right now, you see glimpses of the old h and then the new one pops out and throws you a curve ball. It will get easier in time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
