It's 4:00am and my mind is in overdrive. Yesterday my H told me that when he left he decided that he was no longer putting the kids first. That doing that lead him to be unhappy to the point of contemplating suicide. I absolutely can't believe he said that. Is this MLC nonsense that I need to ignore? How can he not see that his thoughts are due to depression? He had a wife and kids that loved him, a well paying job, a home, basically the American dream. Yes, we had debt that we were paying off and we were doing that, and continue to do that, at a very fast rate so we could get rid of it quickly. Our financial picture was looking much better. His thinking is not normal. Please, someone, help me understand this. Is this really the same person who recently said that if I ever need more money or need his support payments early not to hesitate to ask because he doesn't want the boys and me to suffer? And is this the same person who has worked himself into a lather refinancing our house that he doesn't live in (although I think his attorney may have advised him to do that - long story)?
This also doesn't make sense. Last weekend when I was having issues with S12 he called my H who then called me and asked very sympathetically what was going on. He also asked if I wanted him to pick our son up for the night. I said no and he replied "let me know how I can help." I saw that as a positive change.
Yesterday was a major backslide for me. I'm so beaten down emotionally and watching my kids walk around as shells of their former selves only compounds that. I begged and pleaded my H to come home. To do it for the boys first and the rest would fall into place over time as we worked on our marriage and he re-adjusted to family life. His response was that his feelings haven't changed after listening to me. Does he really think that they would? Is he really that dillusional that he thinks you just switch feelings on and off? I suggested that he was depressed and needed help. I was waiting for denial, but he didn't respond. When he was ending the conversation (actually a one-way dialogue) he said that he wasn't coming home today or tomorrow. I thought that was odd.
My gut tells me that something is really wrong and not to give up. Literally, our lives seemed normal right up until the day he walked out the door. What the heck happened to him?
