Had a crappy dream that basically I pursued H he gave me slightly what I wanted but he had the power and then I didn't like him anyway and felt like we were both bad people. I'm not sure what that was all about except I'm done giving him power. Whether that's making me feel nervous when he's around wanting to look good when he's around, missing the friendship and taking it on whatever level he wants to give it: I get that I hurt him, that I walked away, that I had a R with someone, partied with friends, etc. but how long do I self flagellate and give him the moral high ground. I'm not saying tit for tat or that all that I did was okay because of the way he's behaving now.
I'm just saying we haven't been operating in a level playing field for years. It's been his pain vs my pain. We couldn't both be happy at the same time. It was all rescue/victim etc. each time I feel like I've regained my power I find other parts of me that still aren't detached.
I am realizing a core difference between us is that he is much more materialistic than me. He doesn't know how to enjoy hisself or have a good time if he isn't spending money. I'm not sure how to make sure someone I meet has that core value. Because he hid it well in the beginning.
