AJ - Do I have repressed feelings? It would appear to me that I do. As for not leaving feelings for later? How?
I recently started going back to counseling because I wanted to let my heart out in order to hopefully free me, but it hasn't gone that way so far. I want so bad to let it out, get the tears flowing. Its been so long and the last time it happened I felt really good afterwards. It's all just bottled up anymore and I don't want it there.
I'm on the edge of losing it at any moment when someone's near me or I'm doing work or school work, but when I have a moment to just be alone and think about getting it out, I can't seem to focus or even let go enough to vent it all out. To add to my wonderful predicament, it would seem the bricks just want to pile on even more.....
Doctor called yesterday and informed me that I have an uncommon form of cancer of some sort. He's sending out the biopsy for a second opinion and depending on that prognosis, I'll know if I'm just getting it removed, or further testing for possible locations. I want to be sad about that, but it's amusing in a sick way in that this stuff only happens in movies and country songs of old. Besides, until I hear more on the second opinion, there's nothing to do and no reason to get bent out of shape I suppose.....
So where does this leave me? Not sure, but I think kind of angry. Not at God or life, just about feeling powerless perhaps. My W asked me to let her know the results of the test, but she hasn't asked and I'm not too into the idea of saying anything at all to her about it. It doesn't mean anything yet and it feels like I'd be asking her to "hold me" or something and all she would see is me finding a new way to tie her down. I don't want that from her.
What I'm hoping for is some assistance of any kind from these forums in idea's to get through the crap fest this all is.
- Do I want my wife back? Yes, but not who she is today or has been for the past two years. - Will I ever get her back? That's what I want to stop thinking about as a possibility. I want to believe there is no hope.
I want to feel human again, not in a partnership way, but as a person. For two years my W avoided eye contact with me 85% of the time or more. Now that she doesn't come home at all except to get clothes until she moves out in a week, I can't stand to look at her. I'm avoiding looking at her, because I can't stand her avoiding looking at me when she see's me look at her.
I'm afraid I'm not handling this well at all. I'm doing everything I can to not be home when she informs me she's stopping in to get something so when S12 was bored and frustrated and didn't want to come with me, he sent a text to his mom and she called me. "It's still her home" she says and I have nothing to say since she's correct, until she moves her stuff into her new place. She said she wants the kids there so she can see them. I kept my happy face on for the kids and her, but I was major P.O.'ed, because I have no intentions of dropping in on her new place because "I" want to see the kids. UGH!! I can't wait to change the code on the garage door! <venting>
I'm just full of pent up energy. I want to get stuff for the house, get rolling on projects or cleaning, just anything. I can't even buy groceries because I don't want to stock up on stuff only for half of it to be gone when I come back after she moves out. I don't want her to see anything I'm doing because it's my life and I'm tired of her thinking everything I'm doing is for her. I don't want her to take anything of me away anymore.
One really nice thing that's come about as of late is the fact that I've not once gave a darn what she's doing with herself since she told me she wasn't coming home anymore and would be moving out shortly. It would seem that her being gone much of the time for the past two years has gotten me quite used to her being out. I feel rather immune to thoughts of her with someone else.
At least until my next round of repressed feelings surfaces - perhaps when she tells me she's seeing someone.....
Anyone have any idea's on how I can release these feelings? I'm already active with exercise and have been for a long time so losing weight or getting in shape isn't something of a daily goal for me. I try to socialize more since I'm a bit of an introvert, but it's not always easy to find people to "hang out" with. I work in a cubical at work, but I'm always looking for opportunities to meet people ( outside of bars ) and they seem far and few between. I just have a hard time trusting people and always have so I've always leaned on someone else to start off introductions. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I'm not a social butterfly so I'm constantly looking to put one foot forward and breach my comfort zone.
I'm not in a hurry or even interested in looking for a replacement for my W, but I've always only had female friends and reaching out to new females now kind of makes me feel creepy - "Hey, I'm getting a divorce. What's your sign?" - kind of creepy. I do want to befriend new women, but it's because women tend to leave their ego at the door, unlike the guys I play sports with in the summer time. Yep, I'm starting to feel creepy just writing this.....
