Hey RT, you said exactly the right things but continue to be careful with the boys. A year from now you'll see the fruit of that behavior. More so in following years. Believe me, it pays off in spades...
As for the emotions. Has it ocurred to you that you have been repressing many feelings? I think that helps the feeling of being hit by a brick, even though you knew it was coming. The changes tend to cause you to feel new feelings and that brings up the past feelings you didn't finish with. There will be more.
But I think you have a good handle on it. You didn't want it, but you're not stopping it either. You're choosing to act with dignity and grace and to cope. You'll find that that approach will pay dividends later, although it means you'll be dealing with it longer. There really is no other good way to deal with it. Face it head on and deal with it as it happens. Don't leave feelings for later if you can help it.
Keep strong for your kids sake and yours. Your perspective and attitude will see you through better than you may be able to see right now, but it will pass and life will be much better out of limbo land. Seriously.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ - Do I have repressed feelings? It would appear to me that I do. As for not leaving feelings for later? How?
I recently started going back to counseling because I wanted to let my heart out in order to hopefully free me, but it hasn't gone that way so far. I want so bad to let it out, get the tears flowing. Its been so long and the last time it happened I felt really good afterwards. It's all just bottled up anymore and I don't want it there.
I'm on the edge of losing it at any moment when someone's near me or I'm doing work or school work, but when I have a moment to just be alone and think about getting it out, I can't seem to focus or even let go enough to vent it all out. To add to my wonderful predicament, it would seem the bricks just want to pile on even more.....
Doctor called yesterday and informed me that I have an uncommon form of cancer of some sort. He's sending out the biopsy for a second opinion and depending on that prognosis, I'll know if I'm just getting it removed, or further testing for possible locations. I want to be sad about that, but it's amusing in a sick way in that this stuff only happens in movies and country songs of old. Besides, until I hear more on the second opinion, there's nothing to do and no reason to get bent out of shape I suppose.....
So where does this leave me? Not sure, but I think kind of angry. Not at God or life, just about feeling powerless perhaps. My W asked me to let her know the results of the test, but she hasn't asked and I'm not too into the idea of saying anything at all to her about it. It doesn't mean anything yet and it feels like I'd be asking her to "hold me" or something and all she would see is me finding a new way to tie her down. I don't want that from her.
What I'm hoping for is some assistance of any kind from these forums in idea's to get through the crap fest this all is.
- Do I want my wife back? Yes, but not who she is today or has been for the past two years. - Will I ever get her back? That's what I want to stop thinking about as a possibility. I want to believe there is no hope.
I want to feel human again, not in a partnership way, but as a person. For two years my W avoided eye contact with me 85% of the time or more. Now that she doesn't come home at all except to get clothes until she moves out in a week, I can't stand to look at her. I'm avoiding looking at her, because I can't stand her avoiding looking at me when she see's me look at her.
I'm afraid I'm not handling this well at all. I'm doing everything I can to not be home when she informs me she's stopping in to get something so when S12 was bored and frustrated and didn't want to come with me, he sent a text to his mom and she called me. "It's still her home" she says and I have nothing to say since she's correct, until she moves her stuff into her new place. She said she wants the kids there so she can see them. I kept my happy face on for the kids and her, but I was major P.O.'ed, because I have no intentions of dropping in on her new place because "I" want to see the kids. UGH!! I can't wait to change the code on the garage door! <venting>
I'm just full of pent up energy. I want to get stuff for the house, get rolling on projects or cleaning, just anything. I can't even buy groceries because I don't want to stock up on stuff only for half of it to be gone when I come back after she moves out. I don't want her to see anything I'm doing because it's my life and I'm tired of her thinking everything I'm doing is for her. I don't want her to take anything of me away anymore.
One really nice thing that's come about as of late is the fact that I've not once gave a darn what she's doing with herself since she told me she wasn't coming home anymore and would be moving out shortly. It would seem that her being gone much of the time for the past two years has gotten me quite used to her being out. I feel rather immune to thoughts of her with someone else.
At least until my next round of repressed feelings surfaces - perhaps when she tells me she's seeing someone.....
Anyone have any idea's on how I can release these feelings? I'm already active with exercise and have been for a long time so losing weight or getting in shape isn't something of a daily goal for me. I try to socialize more since I'm a bit of an introvert, but it's not always easy to find people to "hang out" with. I work in a cubical at work, but I'm always looking for opportunities to meet people ( outside of bars ) and they seem far and few between. I just have a hard time trusting people and always have so I've always leaned on someone else to start off introductions. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I'm not a social butterfly so I'm constantly looking to put one foot forward and breach my comfort zone.
I'm not in a hurry or even interested in looking for a replacement for my W, but I've always only had female friends and reaching out to new females now kind of makes me feel creepy - "Hey, I'm getting a divorce. What's your sign?" - kind of creepy. I do want to befriend new women, but it's because women tend to leave their ego at the door, unlike the guys I play sports with in the summer time. Yep, I'm starting to feel creepy just writing this.....
Anyone have any idea's on how I can release these feelings?
Try EFT or "tapping", there are therapists who can help you with it, but you can also find you videos where they walk you through it...it helps me and especially helps my W...at least give the free video a try...search for Brad Yates and tapping
Also, try the "be still and know exercise" I find this meditation helped and helps me through my sitch...there may still be a link to it on my thread...if not google the above.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It's all just bottled up anymore and I don't want it there.
Exactly what I was seeing And exactly the right starting point. Did you think you could go through this and NOT feel anything? The therapist is the right idea. Not about the marriage, but about you and getting those feelings out. Find one that will focus on you and you alone where you can safely and wholly get somebody to listen. Your feelings of lack of control in your life and dealing with repressed feelings need to be dealt with. Until you do, you cannot be free to be you completely.
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I want to feel human again, not in a partnership way, but as a person. For two years my W avoided eye contact with me 85% of the time or more. Now that she doesn't come home at all except to get clothes until she moves out in a week, I can't stand to look at her. I'm avoiding looking at her, because I can't stand her avoiding looking at me when she see's me look at her.
Been there. Done that. Know what I finally decided? This is her choice. I am NOT going to live my life that way. I don't with anyone else and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not perfect, but I didn't make this choice (think of lack of control because it feeds into the next part...) Let go of the control of things outside yourself. It's killing you and you will look back one day and not believe you wasted your time worrying about things you couldn't control.
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I'm just full of pent up energy. I want to get stuff for the house, get rolling on projects or cleaning, just anything. I can't even buy groceries because I don't want to stock up on stuff only for half of it to be gone when I come back after she moves out. I don't want her to see anything I'm doing because it's my life and I'm tired of her thinking everything I'm doing is for her. I don't want her to take anything of me away anymore.
Ah yes, limbo. What fun. I lived like that for better than 2 years. It sucked. But it ended. I actually felt guilty when she left because I was happy about it. Seemed twisted at the time, but looking back it makes a lot of sense. I let her be my jailer. Or rather, I personified my jailer as being her. Reality is, it was all in my own head. I could have left at any time. I could have made other choices. I'm glad I didn't, but at the time it really sucked.
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I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I'm not a social butterfly so I'm constantly looking to put one foot forward and breach my comfort zone.
The suggestions about meetup.com are a good one. In my town they are very active. But really, I think the change from your "norm" are really important. Doing the same things will result in the same results. Change something. Try something different and evaluate if you like it or not. If you do, continue. If you don't, try something else. Systematically works for me, but figure out how it works for you. You need to create new memories and new patterns that do not include your W. So the challenge is to "GAL" or rather, create new parts of your life where you used to include your W. I think you'll find it very therapeutic for now. You can always change again and evaluate if you like what you're doing or not.
As for the rest. Realize that you cannot control your W or her feelings. They are her feelings. You have yours. You both see things differently and act on those things differently. You can control you and it's time you take charge of those feelings and deal with them honestly. Take responsibility for your actions and what you did to bring about the end of the marriage. Take nothing more. Realize that she has to take her journey and you have to take yours. This current situation will end sooner than you think. But don't waste another moment not making peace with the feelings that are coming up as things change. There will be more and you need to accept and clear your plate of the existing issues and feelings. The therapist should help with that.
You are not crazy or different in the sense that you have these feelings. We all go through it. We face our fears the idea that what we thought is not what is at this point.
Will she admit the OM? How about you assume there is one and stop worrying about it. Worry will wear you out. You could be wrong, but you could be right. Pick one and put it behind you. Then move on to the next issue. Keep going.
Face the fears. Deal with them. Unravel them one at a time until they hold no more power over you.
One step and one issue at a time and before you know it, you'll be better than when you started. Continuous improvement.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for the advice. I've looked into that meetup site a year back. There's a lot of singles groups and stuff in my area that all seem to focus on drinking establishments which is out of my financial constraints right now. I joined some co-ed sports teams through there, but so far, the only time I had time to get to a drop-in game it was just me and one other person. Eh... I'll keep looking around for more stuff in there.
That EFT stuff sounds very interesting. The local library has a bunch of stuff on it so I've put a bunch of stuff on reserve and I'm in a bit of a hurry to get started. I'm not doing so well with this new life right now.
My W is putting more effort into us being friends these past few weeks than she's put into our marriage in two years so that the kids can see that everything's going to be wonderful now that we're divorcing. It's frustrating me greatly. I can feel her frustration with me in her voice and I think she can hear it in mine. I need to try harder, it really is hard to be aloof and uncaring when she's so excited to be getting away from me. And the kids..... Their getting frustrated and it's rubbing off on me in so many ways. I'm trying to find things for us to do because I know that I won't have them with me all the time anymore, but I can tell I'm in a rush to try to do too much and it's not fair on any of us, it's unrealistic and probably confuses the situation even more.
But I really do need to get started on getting free of these emotions. When my S12 is saying I'm yelling, but I'm not, it's driving me batty. I have checked on S12's phone. It was part of the agreement between my W and I when he got one that we would occasionally check it to make sure he wasn't sending/receiving inappropriate material. I check it about once a month, but it doesn't make me feel any better about doing it since I've cheated. I have looked at his conversations with his mom and it's frustrating. She's constantly trying to convince S12 that everything's going to be fine and she's not as bad as he thinks. That S12 should trust her. He told her he wouldn't trust her about EA/OM and that he didn't like them being around each other ( Recall that it was his friend, not me, that spoke about possible inappropriate behavior. I have no evidence, I'm not looking for evidence, so I'm not offering any opinion to my kids about it. ). S12 talks about how EA/OM and his mom don't talk to each other much when she's over there with them. She says he's in the house and she's always with them outside. Chances are they're behaving like that because of the kids and they're both getting negative pressure about it from S12 and his friend. I only listen to him and say nothing about EA/OM. I don't want to guide his feelings or opinions or give the impression I might be hurt by his mothers actions/behavior.
This is such a tough battle. I want the kids to believe in love and that even though things are hard, a marriage can pull through with care and understanding. But with MLC involved, all that is like throwing water on a grease fire. I'm supposed to be uncaring and independant and the message I feel like the kids are getting is breaking my heart. I saw my son text his mom that he's angry about her moving out and that S6 and I are both angry too. I specifically told him that I wasn't upset with her, that I know she felt she was making the right choice for her and that I respect her decision, that life isn't over and we're going to be fine. I don't want her thinking I'm crying myself to sleep at night, because I'm not.
I think that some of my frustration is coming from the people helping my W through this and feeling like I'm being viewed as something I'm not. Like I've done nothing these past two years, but try to make life as difficult as possible for her. All I've done is try to be better person, but maybe my hurt is still on my sleeve even though I'm smiling on the outside.
I have to keep this brief because I'm out of town I get what you are saying and doing. But your son is right, you are angry. Know what? It is ok to feel like that. It is not ok to act out on those feelings in many cases. Your son is very astute though. Some things you have no control of. Some, like being friends with your ex you do. Mine tried that. I wasn't fooled. I wasnt interested after her choices. Not something I can do. i have friends that have been in similar situations that did remain friends with their exes. It can be done.
As for others? You will be surprised what they really think. And you will be surorised how little you care later knowing you did what you could in all instances.
Since you know you have limited capability and time, focus on the things you can control and that are important. The rest will work itself out and become known when it needs to be.
Your kids need you to show them the way. Figure out what that means in your life and for their sake. you will be glad you did and so will they.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ I am trying. I think maybe I'm trying to over analyze the situation. I'm trying hard to just be a leaf in the winds of adventure, it just seems as much as I'd like the wind to blow N, S, or E, it keeps blowing W. It seems like one big excuse I keep telling myself is truth and I just can't see it for what it is.
The latest and greatest......
She asked me to pick up the kids to get them to their summer sports. She had me pick them up at her new place. I did not know where she is living. I was never curious, in fact I was dreading the day I would eventually need to know. Looks like I didn't make it 2 weeks after she moved out before finding out where she lives. I'm swear I'm not obsessing over this, but I'm guilty of some repressed feelings. My W's new place is within 2 miles of EA/OM's place. How about those odds, right? What's even better is that he lives on the corner of the road you have to turn onto in order to get to my W's place.
I'm not angry about this at all, at least that I'm aware of. His crazy/bitter XW to be is probably launching to the moon and back about it since I know her kids know my W is living that close to their dad. That's not my problem anymore, but I do know it makes for reconciling that much more difficult IF that opportunity ever surfaces.
I guess I kind of see it as sign from above. Maybe two signs:
1) God is trying to give me all the means necessary for me to get on with my life. This is part of the leaf in the wind stuff I mentioned above.
2) God's giving my W all the means necessary to figure out her life. There's way too much coincidence involved in her finding her new place, but only time will tell.
I know I'm still not done with my W. So between those 2 signs above, God could be telling me, "See. You guys are done. You need to move on." OR "I'm going to give her every opportunity to use that rope and she will see what she sees."
There's always a third view, but I've never been much good at finding that third door on my own.
Eh... Too much thinking. Maybe it's because I'm trying too hard to care/not care that I can't find that third door. My W is playing by a common set of MLC rules:
"ILYBINILWY" "It's not you, it's me." "We grew a part" "He / She 's just a friend." "I haven't been happy for XX years." "I deserve to be happy." "I'm not getting any younger" "I forgot who I was"
I've heard each of these from my W and I've read in a whole bunch of places online and in print, people saying or hearing the "exact" same words. Add to that, several people have experiences where the MLC spouse wants to remain BFF's and the MLC spouse presents an attitude that supports this in the early move-out time frame. What causes me much grief is that each situation is the same, but different. It's as if the similarities on the entrance into MLC stop once they move out, but the stories still play out the same as if the MLC-er always feels they need to return home if only to apologize.
I struggle with this because I'm a bit angry still, but working on that. Every time she's apologized for anything she's done over the past two years, she's always followed up with:
"ILYBINILWY" "It's not you, it's me." "We grew a part" "He / She 's just a friend." "I haven't been happy for XX years." "I deserve to be happy." "I'm not getting any younger" "I forgot who I was"
The part that gets me angry is the anticipation that I might be hearing another apology and I just don't have much faith in the person that I feel has betrayed my trust. I know it's what I have to get over. I'm not here because I hate my W, I'm here because I haven't given up yet. I'm just afraid my story will be like so many others here in the forums that have finally moved on with their lives and along comes MLC spouse looking to repent for past transgressions and it only seems to reopen old wounds that we don't want to revisit.
I know my W is finally energized about something for the first time in a few years. She's fixing up her new place in order to get it ready to pack up what she can out of our house and move it out. She's applied for a new career, she's full of energy. I'm curious when it will all come together for her or if she'll even have the time to reflect. I'll keep looking into the GAL stuff, but I'm upset that I couldn't watch my kids play last night because of my game and my W wasn't there to watch them because she had no interest in the particular event and she had work on her home to do.
This hold pattern stinks. I want to create new memories, but I refuse to make physical changes until she's taken what she's going to take from her former life with me.
Oh! I remember now what I was wanting to ask others here in the forums! When I was talking about the "script" that MLC-ers all seem to follow, more or less, when starting into MLC, I was curious about the next phase.
My W seems more energized now that she's got a place and she's getting it ready, fixing it up a bit before moving her stuff out of our house. She keeps talking to the boys about how "everything's going to be fine" and "She's not as bad as they think she is". She also insists that we're going to be good friends because we don't hate each other like their friends who's parents are divorced.
Everything is falling into place for her now that she can finally move out from "under my shadow". I say that because she's expressed how much she hates feeling beneath me and now that she's moving out she's full of life.
My question then is this -> Is this similar to what its been like for other spouses left behind?
If our stories are so similar going into MLC, what about the part where the MLC-er moves out? Do they project a life of feeling on top of the world?
I know I'm over analyzing and it's not helping me get over my feelings for her, but it seems like if there's a script being followed, I'd sure like to 'some' idea about what to expect.
And for those of you that have offered helpful suggestions on the GAL thing, I'm happy to report I found a group on the meetup site that gets together on weekend mornings for fitness walks. It's not much for my pace, but everyone I've seen on the group site talks about wanting to socialize more than they do so I figure it's an idea worth its weight in gold and worth checking out. Thanks again for the heads up on that.
