Crimson....just checkin' in.

[sweetbabyred]

I say this b/c I don't think people who change/improve a lot, but don't end up reconciled, must just go off into the sunset...I think their stories are as important as the stories of ultimate reconciliation.

And there are success stories of another type too. Stories of people who were heartbroken, felt defeated, lost the marriage, but picked themselves up, changed themselves and their lives...for the better

and THAT story is worth telling too.

I agree with you 25. I'm sure that all of us on here hope that we'll have a happy reconciliation story at the end of this, but we all need to see that it's possible to be happy no matter where our path leads.

Knowing that I can be okay on my own makes me just a little less anxious each day. And being anxious definitely won't bring H back any quicker or make my life any better.

[Crimson]

Thanks for reading and responding, all.

25 - to answer your question I guess part of me doesn't see her sending pictures as a positive sign because all it means to her is "let's just be the greatest co-parents ever!" and I don't share that enthusiasm just yet. If that is all we are to be, then over time I am sure I will adapt to it - but it's not a switch I can flip right now.

Also, I hope you are right about positive memories. Seems like I have given a lot of time and space - but nothing really "positive" about me leads her back home....at least as far as I can see anyway. I am really thinking about posting parts of the letter she wrote....filled with positives, but still she seems to want to walk away. Bah - no matter, I am where I am.

As predicted I am thinking a lot about my boy with him being so many miles away. Irrational fear, but I always worry that one day he will detach from me and just want his mother. She has the ability to take him places this summer due to her schedule and the money I have to give her. The loss of that money leaves me unable to the things I would like to do with him...travel, etc. - it just seems unfair.

Need to shake off the sadness a bit. Doesn't do me much good right now - but it is hard to avoid.

Crimson

[Crimson]

Not sure exactly why, but as the day progesses onward I keep feeling anxious about my w and s being away on vacation. Honestly, I think it is my ego - which means I am not 100% detached yet - working on it, but it is difficult.

There are moments when I think that in many respects after the baby was born, my w felt as if she no longer needed me. It seems for now that as long as she has our son or at least ACCESS to him she is perfectly content.

Sometimes I get angry because as we stuggled through the infertility process she was so strong about her desire to have a family...to have children with me. That process took 3 years...we fought, and struggled and cried together for 3 years before we finally had our son. After we made it through that process, I felt as if we were invincible as a couple....that it had galvanized us...brought us closer....strenghted our relationship. 16 months after the baby, she dropped the bomb.

Nowadays I am left wondering why she was so willing for fight for 3 years to make a family, but won't put that same amount of effort into keeping it or saving it. Again - my inner cynic says that all she wanted was a baby - and once she got that the notion of a family evaporated and no longer mattered to her. She said she had been unhappy for a year and tried to tell me - but now says she understands that she did a poor job communicating that to me. Now that I can SEE what she was feeling, and have tried to correct as much as I can for BOTH of us - I am hurt that she won't give things a chance.

Anyhow - it's toxic thinking but in my head she and her friends family and our son are having the time of their lives on vacation and I am somewhere in the back of her mind between what she had for diner three days ago and what color she painted her toes. Again - it's my ego - I know. I just feel trivialized, unimportant and forgotten by her. It shouldn't matter - and if I was fully detached it wouldn't - but she can still impact my feelings. Even worse - what I THINK she is thinking or feeling can impact my feelings. Sad to admit, but true - trying to get it under control.

Crimson

[jks]

This is something I read last night from a book called "Codependent No More." Maybe it will help. Sorry for what you're going through. I believe God has a higher plan for us all, we just haven't been able to realize it yet. Have faith. Things will pan out the way they're supposed to as long as you continue doing the best you can do. That's all we're asked. Here's the quote...

Worrying about other people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy.

"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system." -Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves. We lose control.

[Crimson]

Thanks for posting, JKS - it is helpful. And, honestly, worrying has always been a major problem for me. At the end of the day I know it doesn't help - but is seems to be a burned-in behavior for me that I am trying to fight. It all ties back to fear of failure - but I digress.

As I look around and think about the time that has passed and everything that has happened and where my w seems to be right now - I find myself wondering if it is too late for my sitch. Granted, there are others who have stretched out much longer. Nonetheless I wonder if I am completely out of the heart of my w 100% and if she truly wants me to "find someone new that wants to have more kids" - or if that was said in anger.

Not sure why my brain is so busy at the moment.

Crimson

[LITB]

25 - to answer your question I guess part of me doesn't see her sending pictures as a positive sign because all it means to her is "let's just be the greatest co-parents ever!" and I don't share that enthusiasm just yet. If that is all we are to be, then over time I am sure I will adapt to it - but it's not a switch I can flip right now. Crimson

At the beginning of my sitch, my DB coach told me that we should make 5 deposits to every withdrawal into our spouses love bank. One of my goals was not to make any withdrawals or the very least amount possible and continually make deposits. The size of the deposit does not matter. They all add up.

What I am saying is to utilize every interaction with your W as an opportunity to fill her love bank. Demonstrate a positive attitude and strength. It will get noticed. For me, I got to the point that it became a habit. Here is a perfect example for you: When we went to watch Avengers, I took the kids to get snacks and I grabbed my W her favorite candy. I didn’t think about it. I just did it. She told me a couple of days ago that the little things make a world of difference to her. She mentioned the example that I just used.

One of the biggest things that I see mentioned on the board is not to have expectations. It’s the truth. My W began showing signs since March, but I honestly had no expectations that anything would come of them. I was just living for me and our kids.

Also, I hope you are right about positive memories. Seems like I have given a lot of time and space - but nothing really "positive" about me leads her back home....at least as far as I can see anyway. I am really thinking about posting parts of the letter she wrote....filled with positives, but still she seems to want to walk away. Bah - no matter, I am where I am.

25 is right my friend. The positive memories return.

It just takes time. When I’d call to talk to my children, my W would sometimes answer and nonchalantly begin a conversation. I clearly remember her telling me that she was looking at our family pictures and things that we had done during one of our convos. For the most part, I would just listen. I had no idea what was going through her head or how life was for her. All I knew is that we were not together.

As predicted I am thinking a lot about my boy with him being so many miles away. Irrational fear, but I always worry that one day he will detach from me and just want his mother. She has the ability to take him places this summer due to her schedule and the money I have to give her. The loss of that money leaves me unable to the things I would like to do with him...travel, etc. - it just seems unfair.

There are plenty of things that you can do that don’t take money or very little money. A lot of times, like our wives, children remember the simplest things we do with them and for them. Also, like our wives, children have love banks. Fill your son’s love bank. Read the 5 love languages of children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.

I hope this helps.

[Crimson]

Thank you, LITB - I value your advice.

So in your situation how did you (or anyone) walked the line with filling your spouses love bank and pursuing? I know that one of my w's LLs is words of affirmation. And let me tell you -I dropped the HELL out of that ball. I just never thought that anything that I could say would make her feel better about herself if she didn't feel good about herself on her own. Looking back, I could kick myself for that flawed logic.

Now when we are on an even footing and getting along I try to be more overtly flattering - I have leanred that it matters. But does it look like a blatant attempt to win her back? Almost like a "say anything" strategy??

I DO see your point about filling the tank - I just don't know if I cross lines. For example - today I sent her a text out of the blue (she is on vaca with S in SF) saying "Bet you're one of the prettiest girls in the Bay today! Have a good time and give my little guy a squeeze from daddy!". She immediately responded by sending me a pic of S at an aquarium gazing into a massive fish tank. No words - just the picture.

Pre-bomb, I know a statement like that would have made her feel great. Would it still now? Or would it be like the creepy guy at the bar hitting on you and you just wish he would go away? Is it pursuing??

Thanks again for your comments - I appreciate it.

Crimson

[LITB]

I was in the midst of my reply and accidentally closed the window. Ugh.

I can see the fine line between pursuing and filling the love tank. Did you have any expectations from the text message you sent this morning? If you did, I would consider that pursuing.

Perhaps my previous post was a poor illustration.

For me, I treated my W like a really good friend. Keeping most of our convos and interactions positive. Eventually her walls began to come down little by little.

[heartbrokeinsd]

im stealing this idea ^^^^^ thanks LITB

[bustorama]

Thank you, LITB - I value your advice.

So in your situation how did you (or anyone) walked the line with filling your spouses love bank and pursuing?

If you are doing it in order to win her back/win her over/etc, then it is controlling, pursuing and not accepting of her wishes.

If you are doing it because that is how you have chosen to treat others around you, with NO expectation of anything in return, then that is filling their love bank.

I am not sure if you can honestly say that you are detached enough to just fill her love bank anyway. Your MISSION has been to reconcile/get her back and that is inherently self-defeating because you then get in your own way via expectations, implicit invalidation of your WAS' feelings and wishes, and covertly controlling behavior (by trying to manipulate her emotions, wishes, feelings).

Emotionally detach from that mission and your past R with her and instead focus on being a great guy and a great dad getting on with your life. When you see her, be a kick ass Crimson enjoying your new life. If she does something that merits words of affirmation and you want to be a guy that gives words of affirmation to people around him, then do so. But don't do it with the expectation or hope that it may get her to come back. That is co-dependence, unhealthy for both of you.