So today I had a few moments of thinking that I haven't heard from H and have no reason to expect to hear from H. I felt like we were developing a friendship pre-bomb and that's not there. The interaction on Wednesday was good. But I find myself just coming to the realization more and more, again and again that our lives together have ceased to be. He says that he wanted us to always be friends but he has in a sense replaced that female companionship with someone else. I don't know what our friendship is supposed to look like now. And then I think that maybe I should be the one to reach out. Because I dumped all this pain and hurt and feelings of rejection and abandonment on him a few weeks ago when he said he might be moving in with her. But I try to remember that each time you feel like detaching is what you SHOULDN'T be doing it's when you probably should even more.
Part of me is bitter today because my girlfriends are going on vacation that I was meant to go on but now can't afford. In fact I can't even afford to go out tonight for a friends birthday meanwhile last weekend he was out to dinner several times, went on a mini getaway, and is possibly moving in with her so will have someone help him pay the bills. My lease is up in a month and a half and I'm thinking I may need to move. Even if it means leaving an area I love. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. But maybe that's just normal adjustment.
It's a strange feeling that we're so "out of contact" even when I was a WAW we were out of contact but I knew if I wanted to contact him I could. Now? I don't want to intrude, I don't want to be needy, or cause arguments between him and his GF.
Today I was out in the garden and realized he did a pretty half a$$ job on the hedges. But that's not a new thing he always does that. Unless it's his cars/toys/clothes/computer etc his personal possession he's quite lazy. I always hated that and he always acted like I was either being silly or being over bearing. Because I was insecure I'd second guess myself and think maybe he's right maybe that is okay. Um, no it's not.
There's an outdoor performance art event happening next weekend that I want to go, but I now know it's in the park in walking distance to his GF's apartment. I know I can't live my whole life worrying that I'll run into them. I thought I could post on FB that me and S were going. Then if they were planning to go, he wouldn't because he wouldn't want to run into me. But this is like mayor of crazy town talk isn't it?
